HeadyGooBalls

2009-10-02T09:45:00.001-07:00

2009-10-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

2006-04-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

2006-03-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

My new blog has free music:

Crispin Glover's Soundtrack for the Undead

2005-11-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

HeadyGooBalls Redux

2005-09-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

HeadyGooBalls (2005-?)

I Give Hip-Hop and Earful (Part IIII) and decide Hip-Hop has had enough

2005-08-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

There once was a rapper named "The Teacher,"
Though at times he sounded more like a preacher.
So I put his name in my blog, and ripped this pedagogue, because I needed some words for this feature.

There once was a man named "The Poet,"
Who thought the revolution could not be promoted.
So he wrote a verse, about the TV curse, and "The Teacher" sat down and rewrote it.

Gather round nerds and I will spin you a tale of whimsy and rhyme about KRS-One (The Teacher) and Gil Scott-Heron (The Poet). Amidst growing racial tensions in West Coast inner-cities during the early 1970s, GSH whipped up a piece of legendary rhymery titled "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised."

Green Acres, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville
Junction will no longer be so damned relevant, and
women will not care if Dick finally gets down with
Jane on Search for Tomorrow because Black people
will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

Hip-Hoppers paid attention to the works of GSH (and people like the Last Poets - who Amiri Baraka called "the prototype rappers") as testament to black consciousness and early spoken word/hip-hop wordplay. One rapper even took it among himself to remix the hallowed work.

KRS-One has taken it on himself to become the international ambassador of "Hip-Hop as a Legitimate Culture." He got his moniker - the Teacher - from his history injected rap lessons. He even built a temple in honor of rhyming words together over sampled beats. So it came as much surprise to many when KRS reworded "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised," not for a new track, but for new Nikes.

The Revolution is basketball/Basketball is the truth - KRS-One in 1995 Nike ad.

How many people got Nike's on?
If you got your Nike's on, put your feet up in the air
If you don't got Nike's on
I think you need to keep your feet down
- Boogie Down Productions song "Nervous Lyrics"

So when Rap Pages editor Sheena Lester confronted KRS for "loaning his mighty sword to capitalist devils," KRS was all like, "well ["well" is mine] Nike doesn't own niggas. Niggas own Nike."

Nike CEO Phil Knight in whiteface

Nike exploits. They exploit Third World labor. They exploit kids by tricking them into buying shitting sneakers. They exploit culture by twisting anti-corportate messages into advertisements. I can't stand it when Spike Lee does a Nike ad after the scene where he lectures high-school B-Ball studs not to be taken advantage of in Hoop Dreams. I simply don't like it when Common - who used to use 'commercial' as an explicative - designs a shoe for the company (at the low price of $300+). I heard KRS at the pulpit in London blabbering about the 'realness' of hip-hop culture to a polite BBC audience. KRS: "Principles are the condom you use when having intercourse with corporate interests."

Good image. I guess that means rappers have 'cut the resevoir tip' so they can get 'this rich bitch pregnant.' Better image.

The floodgates have opened when someone as revered as KRS sets the standard. Mos Def is a bitch for writing an original song for GMC trucks (although he may not be around for long because I heard he made fun of Suge Knight. And so my rant concludes, not with a bang, but not with a whimper, but with a whisper: Wait till you see my ohhhh

I Give Hip-Hop an Earful (Part III)

2005-07-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

No doubt...I went easy on Hip-Hop in the last post. Don't get me wrong - I got the much deserved type-lashing here. I left off last wondering where Hip-Hop might find its saviors. Early 90's caught a glimpse of what I am talking about. Arrested Development talked 'Afro-Centricity' and Tribe mentioned Steve Biko. It's funny: Queen Latifah used to be a revolutionary (circa '91), now she sells Pizza Hut detachable crust pizza with pizza-flavored dipping sauce in a new ad campaign. A good example.

After 10 years of gangster rap spawned from post-crack generation storytelling, a group of artists emerged to teach about love and 'knowledge of self.' These groups opposed the commericialism of product placement in mainstream rhymes - exemplified by the Roots 'What They Do' video which mocked the hood rich materialism of people like Biggie (and catalyzed a heated battle between B.I.G. and Black Thought). A video like that makes a point - and the Roots stand for something...or at least they used to.

Six years later I am standing front row at a Roots show in New Orleans. Front man Black Thought stops the show to tell fans to put out their cigarettes because he hates them and they kill people. Funny - I could have sworn that the newest Roots tour is sponsored by Kool cigarettes - a true G's smoke of choice. Its just this type of hypocrisy that breaks my heart. How hard is it to be commercially viable and not sell-out to companies who have no interest in your fanbase's well-being? Do the Roots have to dance on stage for Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper like the 'Alabama Porch Monkeys' they played in Lee's Bamaboozled ? Is it too much to ask for so-called 'conscious' artists to take responsibility for the effects of pushing harmful products? Should a supposed recovering alcoholic like Common really be sponsoring a liquor company? Put it that way (with successions of rhetorical questions) and socially-conscious hip-hop seems absent from the mainstream.

Oh I'm just getting started comrades. Nike you're about to get yours too...

I Give Hip-Hop an Earful (Part II)

2005-07-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

No Hypatext, all me baby

In the last post I wrote that Hip-Hop is a forum with the potential for social change and some people with rudimentary and shallow awareness of the genre laughed - and then I laughed back but wasn't sure why. Let me explain my stance. People (like my uncle) who rebuke hip-hop for "fuck this fuck that," "bitches and hoes," "shootin' niggas," and "banana-fana fo founds," see commercial hip-hop as a superficial rant mixing the worst parts of materialism, misogyny and violence. True enough - but I differ in two important ways.

In Defense of Hip-Hop as Important
1) Hip-Hop as ghetto journalism. As an fan of journalism I have taken note of this growing debate: Who is a journalist? Are bloggers journalists? And although C-Span and the Press Club have beat this question to death - I give it a final kick to the ribs. Bloggers are not journalists - they are Lazy-Boy commentators. To qualify as a journalist has to do with your level of access to the story you are typing about. Hip-Hoppers from the inner city may come off as abrasive and scary but they are simply reporting from a war zone where cameramen dare not go after-hours. To hear a song about gangs and eating cereal with water is to begin understanding a life of Urban African-American poverty.

2) Notice how Hip-Hop that glorifies violence perpetuates violence as a social norm in the inner-city. Notice how fatalism like Get Rich or Die Tryin' breeds similarly desperate attitudes in its listeners. Notice how music videos depicting club scenes with great ratios (9 hoes : 1 Thug) changes male concepts of love and relationships. Notice how Jay-Z's mention of Belvedeere Vodka made fans thirst and sales rise. These are the things that people like my uncle see and it is the reason why he hates rap - but what do these correlations really say about hip-hop?

Hip-hop can - and is - a strong negative influence in the lives of young boys and girls from all socioeconomic backgrounds. But what is important is that itis a "strong influence" for better or worse. If hip-hop can change a young man's ethos for the worse so distinctly, there is no reason to believe it can't have as profound results in a positive way - you dig? Hip-Hop's gotta hold on the youth because it is cool - and no it's really not a trend so get used to it really. What we need are MCs who are cool and stand for something positive. For a while I thought I knew a group of likely candidates, but I am not so sure anymore.

I told you it was a rant...

I Give Hip-Hop an Earful (Part I)

2005-07-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's not that I mad at hip-hop, I am just disappointed.

I read these books and listen to this music and I recognize the potential of this burgeoning musical forum...but that's where it ends. Granted I am trying to stir the polemical pot here, but I must invoke a debate that I have had with more than a few music fans: What does it mean when artists sell out?

I used to think that hip-hop was conscious and soulful. Back in the day Common rapped about hip-hop in "I Used to Love H.E.R":

Told her [hip-hop] if she got an energetic gimmick
That she could make money, and she did it like a dummy
Now I see her in commercials she's universal
She used to only swing it with the inner-city circle

Point in case. Common rapping about how commodification of hip-hop in turn waters down hip-hop's credibility. Fast foward five years and peep Common and Mya on your screen rapping and dancing about how 'real' Coca-Cola is and how Pepsi is more fugazi than Kenyon Martin. Is this OK with you, hip-hop fan? Did Common deserve to get booed at a show in Albuquerque a few days after the ad aired for projecting a Coca-Cola ad against the backdrop of his stage?

There's a history here and it begins with Russel Simmons. History suggests that black culture = white consumers. The Cotton Club, Rock and Roll and now Hip-Hop. So when fashion start-up Adidas wanted proof of hip-hop's ability to catalyze consumption, Simmons dragged two German execs to a Run DMC show. Half-way through "My Adidas," Rev. Run asked the crowd to put their Adidas in the air - about 3 million stripes lit up the room and a German shit his pants. But this was revolutionary. Black faces could now be used to sell sneakers on a inter/national ad plane. The counter-culture to this young black spokesman peddling shitty product were a group of hip-hoppers who stood against commercialization and stood for 'knowledge of self,' 5%er culture, and not selling out. So what happens when marketers use the counter-culture to counter the counter-consumers into going to a counter and buying counterfiet Nikes? The rant continues...

Homeschooling for Kids Who Don't Like to Spell: But to Like to Worship (Jesus of course...)

2005-06-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: A funny McSweeney's article satirizing Patrick Henry College (prolly sent by Joel)

A couple months ago I wrote a post - and a couple months before that I wrote a post about how people like David Horowitz (with the help of academic studies) feel that the academy has become a liberal whorehouse. While I concluded that it may be true that colleges were more inclined to hire biology professors who descended from monkeys, I never for once considered the growing (read:horrifying) movement towards faith-based college educations.

Sent to me by my lovely and brilliant girlfriend comes an article in the New Yorker titled, "God and Country."

In it New Yorkerer Hanna Rosin profiles the Patrick Henry College in Purcellville, VA. To describe the school metaphorically would be to paint the image of an insane Rube Goldberg contraption manipulated, dirtied and inevitably transformed into an evil-student making factory. Let me further the image.

Start off with families in rural parts of the country where news arrives a little late and progress is a thing of the past. Put the families through the church compactor and out the other end comes children with eerily similar features and bibles strapped to their backs and "10 Real SAT's" written under their eyelids. The kiddies are then baked in a homeschooling oven until they are 18 where Christ is their professor and Joshua is the TA. When the process is complete, the socially-starved homeschoolees are transferred to the Patrick Henry College to continue their reliducation and vocational training in politics and policy. Four years and 2,000 guilty thoughts later the young men and women are siphoned off into conservative think-tanks and Rick Santorum's office - completing the process from baby to neo-con.

The Patrick Henry College - aka Harvard for Homeschoolers - has provided the current White House and other conservative bastions with hordes of wide-eyed interns. The philosophy of the institution is entirely pragmatic. Students are told to dress "business casual" as to simulate the Capitol Hill workplace. Walls of dorm rooms have replaced Salvador Dali prints with Dick Cheney mugshots; and as Rosin puts it: "At Patrick Henry, debate plays roughly the role that football does at Notre Dame."

Aside from the strange "courting practices" male and female students engage in and the no drugs no alchohol no Hollywood no Elimidate no fun policy, Patrick Henry should be viewed as a growing trend in closing the minds of a generation. Parents who feel that every stimuli their child encounters can be controlled send their kids off to places like Patrick Henry. And now that about 1.5 million kids are homeschooled (about 2/3 Evangelical), Patrick Henry look-a-likes are bound to develop to handle this growing trend in education. It is times like this that I admire my alma-mater Tulane with its new nickname "The anti-Patrick Henry."

A Tribute to the Gentlemen of White Hip-Hop (Part II)

2005-06-14T01:41:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: OK...so it's quasi-official that Andy Milonakis is indeed a 29-years-old failed accountant/comedian a la an interview in Radar Magazine.

Yeah, you got beef? Yeah, you got beef? I fuck your mother in her dumb teeth. Cause her teeth has a pussy. But I like when her teethy pussy is on me. It’s on my dick and it feels real slick. But yo - it kinda scrapes me. Yo, I’m depressed, I kinda hate me. I hate me more than you do, Dad. Are you glad that I moved out? Are you glad that I shout?When you touch me on my no-no spot, you fuckin’ blood clot, I hope you fuckin’ rot in hell.

I can't take credit for the hotness above - as much as I would like to. The lyrical prose listed in the previous paragraph could most certainly only have come from one of Andy Milonakis' cult freestyles (see the video here). Just like so many pieces of worthless media that infect the internet, reaffirming the freakshow status of the actor and the consumer (for getting satisfaction), Andy's impromptu antics have made him a self-proclaimed "Internet Hero." While Andy wraps his wits around such cheery topics as pedophilia, incest and beastiality - we sit back and crack-up about how fat the actor is, how bad his skills are and how twisted his personal life must be to create such an odd product (peep the lyrics to Andy's freestyles here).

But Andy may not be such a boy. I have heard from at least half of Andy's most devoted fans that he is in actuality a 28-year-old manchild posing as a 14-year-old fat kid. Either way, his grace and dignity and song "The Super Bowl is Gay," caught the attention of Jimmy Kimmel and Jackhole Industries who successfully pitched the fatass to MTV. I was lucky (read:drunk) enough to catch an extended clip of the Andy Milonakis Show at four in the morning the other night and it seemed like a more obnoxious version of Tom Green. Milonakis romps through the LES of Manhattan confusing elderly residents. The wunderkind caused enough havoc as to draw attention from the NY Post (who will never get a plug again) here. I must say that I am excited by the show and expect that its viral success on the internet will be translated into late-night MTV stoner success a-la Sifl and Olly.

Get to know Andy a little more intimately here in a brief interview with the reclusive genius. I leave with a passage from one of his most oft-quoted works:

Orange Juice raped my father
so that must make him gay
Because as you know
Orange Juice is a male

word.

A Tribute to the Gentlemen of White Hip-Hop (Part I)

2005-06-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

RA the Rugged Man (website)

OK...the dude in the picture who looks like a rabbi after a four-day crystal meth retreat may be the greatest white rapper...ever (no disrespect Kain). The reason why you may have never heard of him: he is the single craziest motherfucker in hip-hop right now, hands down (RIP ODB).

Here's a possible explanation. RA's father was a Vietnam Vet. While overseas he drank way too much Agent Orange and is now completely messed up. When he got back from vacation in Saigon, he had three kids. One is a blind girl, one is a crippled boy and the other is RA. RA's disability is that he is insane - an ailment that benefits his music but keeps him from getting a deal.

Proof of RA's crazy skills on the mic are evidenced by the strange attention he gets from the industry. When he was 18 people knew he was the truth. Russell Simmons won't speak to RA to this day because he wouldn't sign to DefJam. Before Neptunes were getting girls naked, they were sweating RA to be their first major artist. Biggie knew RA was the shit but couldn't believe that the dude's mouth was so foul. The two friends made one cut together - I used to rock this wax on my Fisher-Price back in the day - its titled "Cunt Renaissance." For RA's complete history peep his video "Lessons."

In '93 Jive Records thought they could handle RA. They were wrong. He would just show up, collect 10g for a record, spend it, and show up two months later to do it again. But at Jive things got criminal. By the time he left, four female Jive employees had filed sexual harrassment charges against the MC. Jive's up-and-cummer wasn't even allowed in the building. Word is he used to roam the hallways with his dick out and swing it at unsuspecting interns. Oh yeah, he also took a shit on one A&R's desk and took a dump in another's filing cabinet. RA recounts being the Quasimoto of Jive when they used to keep star-artist Aaliyah and him in seperate rooms from fear he would touch her: "They say he's a beast, he's a creature/ Keep him in the other room, don't let him see Aaliyah."

The last straw for RA at Jive came during a Jive showcase in NYC. Flex was DJing, Tribe was hosting, and RA was the feature. Out walks RA with a legion of prostitutes. They are tied up and whipped S&M style for a few minutes before RA urinates on them and the crowd in a fit a maniacal laughter. A 500 person riot breaks out and a Jive executive frowns.

Jive gave him the boot and for ten years RA wandered the streets, slept on stoops and tricked prostitutes into sleeping on stoops with him. Byron Crawford (formerly of Rawkus) notes an incident with the Rugged One here. After the Jive show, RA couldn't even tour in the US for five years, but I heard he was also banned in Germany. From RA's mouth: while in Germany he had larangitis and didn't want to rap. The easiest way to not rap and still get paid was to do one song and then start a fight with an audience member. RA's last show in Munich had him hurling a trash can at an unsuspecting kind.

But now RA is back with a new album and a possible movie called "Landlord Stretcher." Check out the film if you would. Notice the clip from the RA show where dude leaves the stage for the crowd and people are legitimately scared, creating a huge ring around the deranged artist.

Rough Draft Part II (the finale)

2005-06-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

6/12/05 UPDATE

My goal with these 'Rough Draft' posts was essentially this: 1) Alert kids and adults, parents and children that, yes we may have a draft, and yes you might win; 2) Let those who don't care for taking orders, wearing boots and shooting people in the head that there are ways to avoid service. But getting out of service is not as easy as shooting yourself in the head at the end of the first part of a Kurbick movie, here are some suggestions:

First off, a good way to keep kids out of Iraq (and whatever nation we invade next) is to keep recruiters out of their ears. Its not fair that recruiters are allowed to set up shop unopposed in school cafeterias, and it is really not fair that under the No Child Left Behind Act schools must provide the military with the personal information of every student. Unless of course you Opt Out. Check out the Opt-Out form here.

All kids within 30 days of their 18th B-Day are supposed to register with the Selective Service. You can either do it or wipe your ass with it.

If you don't do it

You are allowed to send in your registration card until the age of 26 without incurring the permanent reprecussions. These include: Loss of federal financial aid for school, possible loss of citizenship, loss of eligibility for federal job training, and the strong possibility of never getting a government job. Here's the trick then - register when you are 26. The way the draft works is that 20-year-olds are the first to go then 21's and so on. The chance of a 26-year-old winning is pretty slim.

Under the current system, registrants are supposed to inform the Selective Service of any change of address, but reports claim that few do. This makes it almost impossible for the headhunters to track you down. If you don't register, the Service will probably send you a bunch of hate mail about how they are going to kick your pussy-ass when they find you. Don't sweat the scare tactics (five years and a $250,000 fine) - no one has been formally charged since 1986. As well, there are private (and some public) funds for college aid and job training for those who don't register. These include Quaker groups and something called FEAT.

If you decide to do it

If you send it in and get called up you have 10 days to report to Camp No Fun. Postponements to this are easy - just say you have a big test, or you have to go to Seder or that Jeopardy is on. But the best way to avoid being hassled by these guys is to prove you are a Conscientious Objector.

If this is your gameplan, get ready early. Prepare a folder of your beliefs, testimonies confirming your beliefs (a local priest, rabbi or witchdoctor maybe?)and a copy of the Conscientious Objector Affirmation. Do all this with the help of a counselor here and here. Although there is no box to check claiming your opposition to shooting Iraqis, write your stance on the bottom of the enrollment card and then make photocopies to wave in their faces when you go up for review. The review is usually 20 minutes in front of three witnesses - either be very convincing that you hate war or tell the one with the mustache that you will 'lick his taint' in exchange for a panini (if you are a guy. Girls replace the word taint with ovula).

Best of luck brave men and women who plan on running scared. And be sure to check out the NBA draft June 28th.

Rough Draft (Part One of this Epic 2-Part Series)

2005-06-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Army recruiting is in a death spiral - Retired Army Lt. Col. Charles Krohn, who was forced out of the service for publicly noting the severity of the problem as an Army spokesman as told to right-wing Washington Post columnist Robert Novak.

Some people are running around saying we ought to go back to the draft ... I'll tell you, that is one of the worst ideas I can imagine. We don't need to draft people. We've got plenty of people. We sure as the dickens don't need a draft - Donald Rumsfeld in Kyrgyzstan

We will not have an all-volunteer army - Bush in a Fruedian slip

Now that this website has a readership I get this weird feeling. I am told it is called "responsibility" (pronounced ree-sponce-i-bill-i-tee)and that I have public interest obligations which I have been grossly neglecting. So as tribute to my young and heady readership - some info I hope you find useful.

Nobody wants to go to Iraq because they don't want to get shot and the pay isn't good enough and they don't want to shoot people and its summer and they'd rather be at the beach. Fair enough. But somebody has to fight until we get the robots up and running. For those who think a draft is something that is easily avoided, consider this:

College won't save you from the draft - College deferments don't exist anymore. If you are a frosh, sophomore or junior you get to finish the semester, seniors get to finish the year before Spring Break Karuk '05.

Having a vagina won't save you from the draft - To appease horny GI's the army now will draft women.

Being an only child won't save you from the draft - Worried about carrying on the family name?

Canada won't save you from the draft - Although PM Paul Martin has hinted at protecting draft dodgers, he and Bush have agreed to "smart borders" where you will be hunted down and brought to justice like that movie with Ice-T.

Being born in a different country won't save you from the draft - Ah, the benefits of being an illegal alien. If you have lived in the US for a year it's time to pay back your new country.

Being rich won't save you from the draft..OK it might - This time around, the largest proponents of reinstating the draft are actually liberals. The reason is that they see military service as an unfair system where the poor are fighting a war for the rich. Expect a new draft to close loopholes for Polo-clad princes.

Being a doctor or a med student won't save you from the draft - It will actually increase your chances - unfortunately for my med school brethren. A plan for a special medical workers draft has been in place for years and has been discussed at great length at the Selective Service Commission. If a draft were to happen Private GI D. Howser would be the first shipped off.

In Part 2 of this trilogy (minus one part), I will reveal to you some ways to avoid military service altogether. Just because there is a draft doesn't mean you have to show up. Just ask Darko.

Ticket to Sea World: $2 Million

2005-05-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

disclaimer: i am no art critic

The shark in the tank - it's a piece of art. Some call it a masterpiece in fact. Not Rudy Giuliani. He almost shat his pants and then vomitted at the sight of his own fecal matter after the shark, a rotting cow's head and a Virgin Mary with cowshit smeared all over it appeared side by side at the Brooklyn Museum of Art in an exhibition titled "Sensation."

But I am here to comment on the shark in the tank. When I first saw it, I thought it was cool. It was an exceptionally creepy looking fish that kept me out of the water for about a week. But that was it - nothing but a fierce looking predator. As Terry Tempest - writing for The Nation - put it, "If it were in a museum of natural history, it would be called an exhibit, an exhibit in which the organism is featured as the animal it is. Call it art or call it biology, what is the true essence of shark?"

Indeed. What is the essence of shark? These types of questions validate the work of British artist Damien Hirst - who is to blame for the pickled shark. Need more validation? How about this. That shark in the tank - last spring New York bizzillionaire Steven Cohen purchased it for about $13 million (a bargain in this billionaire's opinion). How then is something that could be easily confused for an aquarium exhibit be deemed a priceless piece of collectable culture?

Ponder the shark's title for a moment: The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. This was actually the rejected subtitle of Jaws III: Jaws in Disney. The title's use of language again validates the piece as a statue of waxed philosophy. But the truth of the matter is that the shark is ridiculous and the title supports the humor. I refer to an article in BlackBook in which art critic Glen O'Brien writes that, "Funny is the new serious. Ask anybody in the art world...Art as a joke is the natural consequence of art being something that you have to 'get.'" He writes that so much of contemporary art is a joke, something that is absurd in comparison to how serious we take pop-culture and how we acquiesce to horrible images in the media. But to see the ridiculousness in a $13 million shark is to enter an elite club of critics who "get it." Radar Magazine "gets it" here, with a funny promotion and the aforementioned Steven Cohen will soon "lose it" because reports claim that the shark's skin is peeling and its organs are liquid because Hirst never embalmed it correctly and never intended to truly preserve his piece. That's funny.

Paging Philip Roth: 'Spooks' in the Classroom

2005-05-28T01:15:00.000-07:00

I'm a little rusty here. How do I do this again? I just write about things that I found in the news and on the internet that are both humorous and thought provoking? That's it? That can't be right, but oh the sad organ that is the blogosphere. My contribution to this growing piece of techy-trendery:

First I would like to diffuse the rumor that I was mauled by a grizzly while filming a Discovery Channel documentary about eating fish, and that is why I haven't posted in a while. I started that rumor so it is only fitting I end it.

NEWS: David Price of the political newsletter CounterPunch has been about the only person who writes words for a living that has been tracking the interesting and bizarre program that is the Pat Roberts Intelligence Scholars Program (PRISP) here and here. Offered by Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KS), the program was tagged on to the 2004 Intelligence Authorization Act and was appropriated $4 million, all while we slept soundly in our waterbeds in the not-so-safety of our homes.

WHAT IT IS (HO)?: The program - which is largely the product of Jayhawk anthropology doc Felix Moos - relies on the belief that academia is an institution that guards great knowledge important to the CIA. Moos and Roberts argue that for years the academy has blocked spooks and G-Men from entering campuses and gaining access to classes I slept through like foreign language and anthromapology. The CIA reflects and recognizes two areas in which it is completely lacking. 1) Understanding of foreign cultures, and 2) Understanding of foreign languages. Since the CIA does not have the time or the TA's to teach these things they invented this program to siphon information from universities. The kicker: the CIA employees that now cheat of you in "Origins of Man," do so under a cloak of secrecy, where their identity is uknown to the school and teachers alike.

THE BEEF: The last time a program like this existed it was run by a guy named McCarthy and it was used to compile dossiers on commie professors. Contemporary teachers worry that having secret CIA operatives in the classroom may be a breach of their privacy. As well, the money allocated for PRISP is subsequently ripped from legitimate language programs like Fullbright and Title VI.

THE SUPPORT: Government agencies dealing in foreign interventions need better information on the cultures they are bombing. It's not a violation of privacy because Roberts says that, "legal safeguards against domestic spying are in place that weren't in the 1950s and 1960s, when the anti-Communist fervor of former Sen. Joe McCarthy and FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover created a climate that contributed to agency abuses. Specifically, a 1981 presidential executive order clearly prohibits physical surveillance of American citizens by agencies other than the FBI." And the reason for the secrecy - just ask Valerie Plame. Peep Child of Reagan here.

While it is true that a white GI from 'Bama yelling colloquialisms at an Iraqi merchant from Karkuk may constitute a "communication breakdown" it is not certain that the info CIA agents will take from the academy will be put to good and ethical use. Consider torture. With no knowledge of Islam how did a group of punkass 20-somethings know that Arab men by law can't be naked together, or that they abhor dogs, or to tear the Koran before them, or that they don't like having prostitutes menstrations wiped on their faces?

Poppy Kitsch not from Kia

2005-05-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: I Fixed the Linx.

First off a big Ciao and Hello and Hola and Bonjour and Guten Tag to my European friends that have been checking out the blog this week. What better way to hold on to my Euro-readership than to make a completely lazy post in which I make a couple links to things that I found on the internet that I think are funny? For your amusement:

Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame were commissioned (I hear $2 million) by Shockwave in 2004 to create an internet cartoon using Flash. The title of the series was "Princess": the tale of a pretty Shit-Zu who wears a bow. Shockwave execs watched a couple pilots, vomitted, and then refused to pay the animators. See why here.

The second item of heady uselessness is from Salon columnist Kenneth Cleaver. I came across Cleaver while going through my co-worker's desk. She is pretty hip and usually has Tic-Tacs so her desk is a trove too mysterious to deny. Basically, Cleaver writes letters to corporations posing as a concerned consumer with some insane issue he wants to take up with a rep. The funny thing is that they always respond. I like a letter sent to Red Devil Inc. titled "I love your caulk." Check him out here.

That's all for now. I will come back with some more heady shit once graduation is over and I stop drinking.

HeadyGooBalls Enters a Debate and Subsequently Wins

2005-05-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

@ HeadyGooBalls we make concerted and well-postured attemtps to drag obscure stories into deeper obscurity (see above), but today I wish to tackle a few issues that have all but run their course in both the blogosphere and the MSM.

1) A note on the Newsweek scandal (?) that has caused more than a few cases of carpal tunnel syndrome in anxious bloggers. It is hard to tell whether Isikoff and Newsweek have made a legit effort to retract the story or not, so I am not going to touch it until an official stance has been taken. Either way, I find it strange that the liberal blogs defend the magazine while the wingnutosphere calls for an end to magazines. I thought the only thing the left and right agreed upon was that the media was bias? Liberals should not defend reporting if it is false, what part of the agenda does an action like this support? With that being said, it should also be noted that Newsweek is not the only publication that should take heat, and maybe it shouldn't take any heat at all, alright?

WIth a crafty little Lexis-Nexis search of Keywords: KORAN, GAUNTANAMO, DEFACED a resourceful blogger (like me) might come across a Philadelphia Inquirer article from Jan. 20 titled "Lawyer Alleges Abuse of 12 at Guantanamo." From the article:

SOme detainees complained of religious humiliation, saying guards had defaced their copies of the Koran and, in one case, had thrown it in a toilet, said Kristine Huskey, who interviewed clients late last month. Others said that pills were hidden in their food and that people came to their cells claiming to be their attorneys, to gain information.

TO Malkin who touts a few hundred times that "Newsweek lied, People died," I suggest a new apothegm: "The Philadelphia Inquirer is liar and the Middle East was set on fire."

Earlier in the post when I did this - "1)" - it must have seemed like there was going to be a - "2)" - somewhere further down. There is not, you shouldn't jump to conclusions. I will finish my thoughts later if I have the time (read: attention span).

I Trust You Internet Friend

2005-05-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

If you haven't noticed, most sites that are hosted on Blogger have this button in the upper-right hand and when you click on it, you are taken to a random blog. Clicking on it hundreds of times a day will give you a good impression of the type of shit that is being produced. For the most part, the blogosphere is depressing. People lamenting a lost love, people who's hermetic existence produces intolerable ramblings, people think that people care about what they say. When I talked to my journalism professor about blogs she said, "thre is some OK stuff, but for the very most part it is absolute shite."

I like teachers who curse, this is for you. Stan created Outfoxed (not to be confused with the Greenwald doc) after writing a sexy thesis on meta-data and ooh FOAF communities. Yeah, I don't speak nerd either, so here is a link to his site where he explains with pictures and crayons.

Essentially, Stan is attempting to solve the problem of crappy content with social filtering. Whereas Google is developing software which will filter content based on quantifiable preferences, Outfoxed filters content based on the opinions of your friends. Just like Facebook and Friendster, you create a group of friends and girls who's pictures you think are hot and then you give your opinions on websites. The point is that each person in the community has expertise in some field and when you want to know a good site on something outside of your knowledge you consult one of these specialists.

It kind of makes sense but it relies on trusting the opinions of your friends - which I don't. You are allowed to search the opinions of people outside your community: so say you wanted to know where to get the best acid online you could scroll the opinions of Crispin Glover. I like this idea better than the meta-filtering being done at Google and Amazon which is too close for comfort with corporate interests. The funny part about this is that the geek who knows the most about computers and the internet is all of the sudden the most popular person in your group because he/she can tell you about malware and worms...oh my god, I am that geek.

If You Were from the Future and Had the Ability to Go Back in Time Would You Go to a Party at MIT? I Didn't Think So

2005-05-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

WHy is it I spend so much time pondering the unthinkable acts of nerds? Is it because, unbeknownst to me, while hanging out with my computer every day, I slowly became one myself? This story in via German Joel.

MIT Grad student Amal Dorai and this guy who he claims is his friend hosted the first ever Time Travlers Convention last Saturday. The event, which is alcohol-free and highlights MIT's hottest biomed co-eds, ended up getting some pretty remarkable press. Boing Boing, NYT, NPR and a Wired article here.

Basically, Dorai posted a website inviting people from the future to attend the gathering and bring some proof that they were not just some crazy person posing as a time-traveler. One guy showed up with a denim vest and claimed that in the future people only wore denim, he was kicked out, but then invited back because at MIT even people who were denim vests are considered cool.

The funny thing about the whole "convention" is that it is not entirely a joke. The event featured MIT professors and thinkers who pondered the possibility of time travel. MIT Professor Erik Demaine thought the thing had a chance: ''If you subscribe to alternative-world theory, then time travel makes sense at some level. The universe is inherently uncertain, and at various times it's essentially flipping coins to make a decision. At any point, there's the heads version of the world and the tails version of the world. We think that we actually live in one of them, and you could imagine that there's actually many versions of the universe, including one where suddenly you appear from 10 years in the future.''

At ten p.m. when the time tavelers were supposed to reveal themselves, students held each other in anticipation. Although no one from the future appeared Dorai says its OK because anyone from the future can come back and visit that moment for infinity, haven't you seen Donnie Darko, the guy from ER explains it all I'm too busy right now to go over the nuts and bolts of it.

Nash to Shaq: Eat My Ass Fat-Man

2005-05-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

It seems that basketblogging is the thing now so if I may interject: Steve Nash is one cool motherfucker. Sure he is rumored to have banged goddess Liz Hurley, but he is also smart and lets his teammates dunk whenever they want. Maybe Shaq should be the MVP, but Nash works, he got it because he’s white, right?

I remember the 2003 All-Star Break when Nash showed up for a shoot-around rocking a shirt that said: “No War, Shoot for Peace.” Later Nash told foamy reporters that, "I believe us going to war would be a mistake. Being a humanitarian, I think that war is wrong in 99.9 percent of all cases."

Nick Van Exel, who at the time backed up Nash but made twice as much loot, applauded Nash’s courage and long hair, “The Americans on the team, we just think President Bush is giving people a bad name." But Nash’s liberal bellyaching attracted some not-so-nice comments from other colleagues (and by colleagues I mean people who throw an orange ball through a small hoop for a living). Former Navy Grad and high-top king David Robinson said, “If it's an embarrassment to them, maybe they should be in a different country. This is America, and we're supposed to be proud of the guys we elected and put into office.” Flip Saunders repeated the Admiral’s rhetoric also. But maybe it is the Admiral who should shut his mouth because now Nash is king and Robinson works at the Pep Boys on Carrollton…so where are all of Nash’s endorsements then you ask?

It is a little weird that that league’s MVP does not star in any of the NBA’s promotional ads or any Nike or Adidas spots. Toronto Star business columnist Rick Westhead offers his three-cents: "(He) is far from being a marketer's dream. While many of his NBA peers favor the likes of Vibe magazine, Nash reportedly has read the autobiography of Che Guevara and to get a better a better idea where the Cuban revolutionary was coming from, he also turned to Karl Marx's 'The Communist Manifesto.' [in reference to a NYT article about Nash]”

Where activism and politics used to get standing ovations in sports, athletes now wet their pants at the thought of speaking their minds. Arthur Ashe led a campaign against Apartheid; Billie Jean King (even though it is impossible for lesbians to get knocked up) cheered for the right to choose; and this guy named Cassius Clay even went to jail because he didn’t want to shoot Vietnamese people.

Check out this Nation article and see where the voices in sports have gone. I told my roommate the other day I think it would be so cool if a superstar athlete (LeBron I’m looking at you) would say something about say the working conditions in a Nike factory. After Kathie Lee Gifford’s sweatshops were revealed in ’92, MJ took some heat for Nike. He took the fifth in a press conference before the finals where questions about his affair with Dennis Rodman shifted to queries about working conditions. I don’t think MJ was that cool, I think he was probably a cocksucker to play with, ask Bill Cartwright about this clip from a ’91 Chicago Tribune article:

So he [his Airness] told Grant, then-Bull Sam Vincent and Scottie Pippen - the three players who were usually on the floor at the end of games with him - that they were not to pass Cartwright the ball in the last four minutes of a game.

"If you do that," Jordan said, "you'll never get the ball from me."

And suddenly, plays called by Collins were being ignored as Jordan took the ball to the basket. But who could really complain, since the Bulls had started to win? Eventually, though, word got back to Cartwright. He didn't do or say anything to anybody until late that season, when he told Jordan he needed to talk to him.

Reaching that Tough 18-35 Nerd Demographic

2005-05-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I finished my last final yesterday, ever. The end of my academic obligations for the rest of my life is really a wide range of emotions – from depressed to morbidly depressed. Nonetheless, I find the energy to roll out of bed and give you what you need son. Is anyone else in awe of how many different and not-creative ways Star Wars is whoring itself out to marketers?

I would first like a disclaimer: Though I like computers to blog and watch porn, I am by no means a nerd. I totally am in a fraternity and totally score with hot chicks. The fact that I am writing a gripe about Star Wars should not be confused for me liking Star Wars. I do not, because as I previously mentioned, I am not a nerd. I do share the outrage of nerds and geeks across the nation who are a bit pukish over how many corporate tie-ins their demigod George Lucas can commit to. See how upset uber-nerd Dave Gray of the Chicago Force is with Lucas: "He likes to say, and his defenders say, he built the empire and he can do what he wants with it. But building that empire was a partnership between consumers and the creators, so when the creators fail to recognize that it is a partnership ... that's where people do get upset."

I tried to track the current Star Wars tie-ins for Revenge (or is it Return) of the Sith, let me know if there are ones I am missing:

- A Star Wars themed desktop operating system for PC. It’s from a company called Alienware and reunites that famous duo of computers and Star Wars.

- Kellog’s cereals adorning the faces of Darth Vader and R2-D2. Check out the C-3PO box of Wheaties where he is dunking a basketball over Mia Hamm, right before going to get his nails done.

- For your dining pleasure, the Bentley of utensils, that’s right, a light-saber spoon to eat your cereal with, alone.

- How about Cingular ringtones recorded by the man who might be as hairy as my dad, Chewbacca? Also Sony Ericsson handsets preloaded with exclusive Star Wars content and a RAZZ headset preloaded with 10 famous sound clips from the Star Wars saga. I already find ringtones to be the most obnoxious of new communication technologies, good thing this one is at least classy.

- AOL will feature links to new Star Wars trailer which will inevitably be less disappointing than the movie itself.

- M&M’s changed in Jon Lovitz for James Earl Jones with MPire M&Ms. It’s what is called an illiteration.

- Burger King will feature a new line of totally chokeable Star Wars figurines. I like this one because it forces 30-something Star Wars freaks to have to order Happy Meals in public.

- Pepsi is launching its new Lime flavored brown sugar water line with a game called “Call Upon Yoda.” Too bad I already got his digits when Paris Hilton’s phone book got posted on the internet.

- Pepsi appeals to people who definitely don’t want lime in their drinks by littering the Rainbow Warrior’s 24 car with Star Wars iconography.

- 7-11 slurpees are just as scary now with Darth Vader drinks that make that sound he makes where he is breathing really heavily. Use it to call girls you don’t know.

These are the ones I could come up with for now. I am sure there is a video game that will rival the canned shit that is this prequel trilogy. I would toss in some suggestions of my own like an Obi-Wan key locator that uses the “force” to search your couch cushions or a tie-in with KFC for some Jar-Jar Binks fried chicken…but this post is already too long, peace.

Nasal Politics

2005-05-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

I hope that picture of that guy doing coke could hold you off unitl your next line/post. You're jonesin' huh? Here is some hypertextually-laced meth-riddled heady blogging that will no doubt soak your bedsheets in sweat.

This WaPo article on a Sentencing Project report has made its rounds on the intranet the last few days. The study suggests that the DEA and Bushistas have cracked down on marijuana users while lightening up on coke fiends. To highlight some of the stats, because I know you can't read too goodly:

- Marijuana arrests increased by 113% between 1990 and 2002, while overall arrests decreased by 3%

- New York City experienced an 882% growth in marijuana arrests, including an increase of 2,461% for possession offenses

- African Americans are disproportionately affected by marijuana arrests, representing 14% of marijuana users in the general population, but 30% of arrests

Sam Smith @ the Progressive Review has a good post on why we even have a war on drugs (and fun) here, however I will avoid its sharp insight in favor of making some cultural comments on contemporary cocaine use.

Coke's back. No doubt. I'm not sure if it ever left because I am only 22, but its back and tastier than ever. Sorry, no, stop paging me, thanks. Nick Cohen, writing for the British New Statesman gets it right (as they say) about the social contradictions of cocaine use. His story details the posh Groucho Club in London, where the food is GM-free, the coffee is fair trade, smoking is taboo, furs are spraypainted and the cocaine is soaked in the blood of a thousand Columbian peasants. His point is this:

Heroin and cocaine kill directly through contaminated drugs, and indirectly through the support they give to the narco-dictatorship of the Burmese junta and the mafias that terrorise much of Latin America and, increasingly, the rich world's slums. Yet it is social death to put a cigarette in your mouth, not to stuff cocaine up your nose.

Admirably, the fashion is for free-range meat. But while the beasts are free to roam, the prisons of Europe and North America are stuffed to the gunnels with drug mules from the Caribbean who are serving long sentences because they have been forced by poverty or ordinary human greed to become smugglers.

I have always tried to persuade consumers to be conscious of their decisions. While a pair of Nikes says its OK for a Balinese girl to work 20 hour days, a sniff of that white powda' says its OK for narco-terrorists to run Third World countries, and for US forces to spray villages with deadly pesticides and agents. Balancing consciousness with dopamine is tough, nearly impossible...watch for the nasty hangover. While Cohen and others argue legalization is the only answer, I leave your coked-up conscious ringing with a quote from an anonymous Honduran:

Thank you for your drugs money, self-appointed first world. Another thoughtful donation to our ailing country, along with military hardware and paedophile tourists. We are told here that at some of your London dinner parties, an after-dinner toot has... taken the place of your traditional English pudding among the chattering classes - the very same people who claim to care so deeply about the poor third world. Rather than chopping out their lines on the latest world-music CD, perhaps these enlightened individuals should chop them out instead on a photo of a Honduran bus with the slogan "Dios es amor", but pockmarked with bullet holes and with the blood-stained dead in the road alongside. Jesus Dominguez, aged 45; Maria Anita Portillo, aged 14; Alexander Gutierrez, aged seven; Javier Barahona, aged two. After all who paid for the bullets?

News for People Who Kind of Like It

2005-05-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

My love/hate relationship with TV had me sleeping on the couch last night. I can't help it. How can you pass up Blind Date followed by Cheater followed by Elimidate? I know, you can't. Here's a new show I am excited about that is a little more heady than Suffolk skanks giving into to Joey's "prove to me you really want to win" line.

The Daily Show's Stephen Colbert is getting his own program supposedly titled the Colbert Report. The show will probably follow the Daily Show to form an hour-long fake news block. Colbert's program will be a spoof on pundit shows like O'Reilly while actually being more informative than his sex-fiend counterpart. Colbert has some funny quotes in this NYT article on the proposed venture.

Of John Stewart, Colbert says: "His shadow is dark enough, I don't want to ask the source of darkness for help. I'm not interested in that same liberal claptrap. That meow, meow, meow, ironic detachment."

Colbert on investigative reporting: "We're going to deal with truth on my program. We're going to catch the world in the headlights of my justice."

This show will be good. If it was on the same time as Cheaters I would probably watch it but switch back in time for the "confrontation" and "conclusion."

Conserving Academia: Less fun, More not fun

2005-05-04T02:30:00.000-07:00

Here at HeadyGooBalls, we try and supply a constant flow of heady information about whats poppin' at college campuses across the nation. A lot has been written on turncoat David Horowitz and his crusade to pass an "Academic Bill of Rights" into law (a Chronicle of Higher Education profile here).

Much has been written on the Bill already so I won't go into details. Essentially, Horowitz and college conservatives share a suspicion that their views are not wanted nor respected in academia. While it is true that most professors are liberal (as noted here), this is not because of a vast left-wing conspiracy (or is it?). It is not by chance that when hiring the new Biology professor, the dean picked the one without the Jesus-fish on his KIA.

I am having trouble coming to terms with this idea. As expected, the left blogosphere (of which I beg acceptance) bashed Horowitz in the nuts. To me, I have trouble promoting something like the Fairness Doctrine (which would force television news to include equal conseravtive and liberal viewpoints) and denouncing something like the Academic Bill of Rights (which would force universities to balance their staffs with equal neo-cons and hippies). It does sound like, however, that conservatives are scared of campuses growing increasingly liberal. It may be a legitimate threat that finds its way into Congress depending on the success Horowitz's campus tour. Either way, Horowitz's group Students for Academic Freedom have a pretty funny forum on their website. Its a message board where students can leave posts about times they were discrimnated against for their politics. My [new]favorite complaint comes from a conservagina @ Ohio State who writes, "I know the paper was pretty much great because I spell checked it and proofred it twice. I got an D- just because the professor hates families and thinks its okay to be gay." Did he proofred this twice because proofred is spelt rongh.

The Longest and Best Post Ever Written

2005-05-02T18:39:00.000-07:00

Man my TV Turnoff Week went fucking great. I didn't watch one second of TV. Well, I mean I watched some B-Ball obviously, and I definitely played X-Box. Also, I had to watch my faves: Cheaters, Elimidate, etc. So all this aside: Another strikingly successful TV Turnoff Week for the books.

I know. I felt just that much more worthless watching TV this week because it was supposed to be off. Although I crashed and burned, I still think TV is stupid. On a post I wrote last week I mentioned a piece of pro-TV propaganda by Mitchell Stephens which called for a completely visual culture. Since that post, there has been some more literature in favor of TV Turn-on Forever.

This one is from Steven Johnson (via the NYT), author of the book "Everything Bad is Good for You":

For decades, we've worked under the assumption that mass culture follows a path declining steadily toward lowest-common-denominator standards, presumably because the ''masses'' want dumb, simple pleasures and big media companies try to give the masses what they want. But as that ''24'' episode suggests, the exact opposite is happening: the culture is getting more cognitively demanding, not less.

Johnson makes the argument that increasingly complex storylines and parrallel storylines found in contemporary TV dramas have strengthened the cognitive mapmaking structures of its audience. He believes TV makes you smarter. Its called "The Sleeper Curve":

This is what I call the Sleeper Curve: the most debased forms of mass diversion -- video games and violent television dramas and juvenile sitcoms -- turn out to be nutritional after all.

I believe that the Sleeper Curve is the single most important new force altering the mental development of young people today, and I believe it is largely a force for good: enhancing our cognitive faculties, not dumbing them down.

He makes the point that TV shows make less efforts to explain the obvious, forcing audiences to use critical skills to unfold unexplained meanings. Example: On ER , a surgery scene may be full of medical jargon that is indecipherable to laymens. Johnson argues this type of language challenges viewers to become more literate on the subject. He ends the article with a suggestion to parents:

If your kids want to watch reality TV, encourage them to watch ''Survivor'' over ''Fear Factor.'' If they want to watch a mystery show, encourage ''24'' over ''Law and Order.'' If they want to play a violent game, encourage Grand Theft Auto over Quake.

I don't agree with Johnson on many levels. First, I argue that the show-commercial-show structure format results in molding viewers attention spans into 10-minuite intervals. Even Johnson notes that the amount of commercials per hour is on the rise; currently at about 20 minutes/hour or a 2-1 ratio.

Second, I would say that the current MTV editing style, invented by Mark Pellington, mastered by commercial and artistic interests alike, is absolutely terrible for our attention spans. Eisenstein argued that montage is the New Cinema, where jamming images down the throat of a viewer challenges the audience to digest lots of info very quickly. While I say that montage offers lots in artistic ventures, the constant changing and shifting of images and angles breaks down our concentration, we lose focus. Do you really think contemporary audiences would be able to handle the three-minute single-shot opening of Orson Welles' "Touch of Evil," in which there is no visual stimulation for what seems like ages? Your attention resets everytime the image changes. That's why you may find yourself almost hypnotized like a baby staring at a nipple while watching MTV. Try watching a show on MTV. See how many times they change the image. Compare it to Nick at Nite or an old movie. Note results and how it made you feel monkey.

Lastly: Johnson argues that the positive benefits of cognitive reinforcement overshadow the negative effects of the shallow values TV perpetuates. Hence, it is OK if your 10-year-old daughter thinks Paris Hilton is her role model because at least she can remember things better. This is the doomsday scenario for me. A generation of TV-juiced evil and amoral geniuses.

I was surprised last week when I saw an article in Reason Magazine - which I usually found quite sound - denouncing TV Turnoff Week as heretic:

All that may explain why the turners-off have had to goose publicity for Turnoff Week by converting an innocuous voluntary exercise into a campaign of public obnoxiousness

Sanchez misses the point on the significance of TV Turnoff Week here. He urges to plug the cord back in and tune-out because you're bored and its OK. Ah, the things we do when we are bored...I have tried catnip. The point of TV Turnoff Week is to get back in touch with the real world outside your home and get back in touch with human communication. Kalle Lasn sums it up pretty well in an interview on ABC Radio's All in the Mind:

If you continue watching three or four hours of TV every night, if you continue to spend two or three hours in front of your computer every day and another maybe four or five hours at work in front of your computer and if you spend 90% of your waking life in an electronic environment, then after a while you forget what real life is all about.

While Lasn might be right its probably OK to spend a lot of times reading (my) blogs because they make you feel more confident. I look at TV as an opportunity-cost analysis. While watching TV for ten hours may make it easier at the water cooler, think of all the cool shit you could have been doing like finishing that novel on unicycle gangs. I apologize for the long post. Think of all the cool shit you could have been doing instead of reading it. For those of you still with me, send me proof that you finished to whole thing and I will send you some leftover (egg?) matzah.

Secret Nocturnal Transmission from Work

2005-05-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

Why is it after a weekend of fun and games, I find myself apologizing to my brilliant and humble audience about not posting enough? This is one of those carefully-crafted apologies dedicated to those who click and lament over no new posts.

Thanks for asking. Yeah, Jazzfest was great. I will write a post about. I find concerts of the “jam” variety to be nirvana for people-watchers. These people (read: dirty smelly neo-hippies) — not to judge — are hilariously clueless at what their culture stands for and they also eat mud and dirt. I still cannot fathom the rationale of these parents who dragged their unwilling children through this swell of humanity and exposed them to an endless amount of queries that they are unable to properly address, like: “Daddy, what is that powder on that guy’s upper-lip,” and, “Mommy, how come that long-hair has so many balloons? Is he having a birthday party?” More to come. Lots more.

A Tribute to Gentlemen: #1 Troy Hurtubise

2005-04-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

After a long day of school and work I like to wind down and watch my favorite episodes of the deliciously racist Mr. Wong compilation. Yeah, that "delictable Chinaman." But fuck Wong. Skip him. He's yellow, big teeth, funny accent, I get it. Check out a documentary by the show's directors on the special features about a man name Troy Hurtubise.

This is the greatest and best documentary in the world. How can I describe this man without gushing. Hurtubise is a Canadian, oh, inventor I guess. He drinks 30 cups of coffee a day, is convinced the CIA and NASA are in a conspiracy to kill him and is the smartest most innovative person in North America, no joke. After being attacked by a grizzly while living in the woods (yeah consult the film) he invented a suit that would change the world. Let's just run through some of his inventions first:

The Ursus Bearsuit: This is the focus of the doc as well as another film called Project Grizzly. What started as a way to stop getting attacked by so many grizzlies turned into the most unstoppable armor known to man. Of the suit Hurtubise says, "You can tap dance in a minefield. You can take a dynamite blast. You can take AK-47 rounds all day. You can walk through 4,000-degree Fahrenheit heat." I am not kidding when I say that someone could take this thing, walk into a crowded city, kill everyone and it would take an army to take him/her down, and Hurtubise might just be that man.

Fire Paste: This stuff when rubbed on the body makes humans able to withstand tempuratures in the thousands. It also makes a swell lube.

Light Infantry Military Blast Cushion: This lightweight padding is able to withstand point blank shotguns, rockets, baseballs and judo chops.

The new one

The Angel Light: This shit is crazy. It is a huge laser beam with all these wires. It is incredibly dangerous when exposed to humans but Hurtubise is reckless. What the beam does is manipulates something known as the "Hyde Effect," using fuse light. In non-enginerd terms: When focused on an object (ex. wall) it becomes transparent or see-through, for real.

The practical applications for Hurtubise's work is limitless. This guy is cool. Safer hockey helmets, protection for bomb squads, new shells for space shuttles, ways to spy on girls pooping, a way to survive falling asleep in a fireplace. All the guy has to show however is the dubious Harvard Ig-Nobel award and millions in debt. I dare anyone to come collect that debt by the wayy.

Traveling to Third World Countries with A-Class Celebrities: I've Got the Scoop

2005-04-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Reason #29 to celebrate TV Turnoff Week (April 25th-May 2nd): MTV’s Trippin’ (wihtout all those mushrooms and fun)

I saw this show before I threw my TV out the window and everyone in the room agreed it was absurd. I was watching Redman, some hot Latin chick, Cameron Diaz (a different hot Latin chick) and Drew Barrymore romp through some Third World country photographing trees and taking time to pet the locals. The show rears its ugly head across the world stopping in Bhutan, Honduras, Tanzania, Nepal and Chile. As the celebs step out of private helicopters, jets and SUV limos, they are greeted by hungry Indians waiting for a chance to feed from Barrymore’s supple teets. Apparently my view of the show is shared. A summary of the plot by enviro-supersite Grist:

It's based on a simple premise: Diaz takes a gaggle of show-biz pals to biologically rich hotspots around the globe where environmental experts guide them as they ogle Mother Nature and the exotic (read: poor) villagers who live therein, whilst attempting extreme adventures in the elements, such as surfing in Costa Rica, riding elephants in Nepal, sand-boarding in Chile, and trying to find two-way pager reception in the remote wilds of Yellowstone.

A quote from “Eco-Imperialism” author Paul Dreissen:

There's something perverse and immoral when multi-millionaire Hollywood celebrities head off on junkets in the jungle - and then preach to us lesser mortals about the joys of the simple life, and how we should protect the Earth, conserve energy, prevent global warming, and help the poorest people on our planet continue 'enjoying' their poverty, malnutrition and premature death

Barrymore had more important things on her mind in Bhutan (than one of the lowest life expectancies in the world, 54) when she and her fellow celebs stood and applauded in awe at her “awesome” ability to take a shit in the woods. No joke: Diaz, looking at the triumphant Barrymore, responded, "I am so jealous right now, I am going -- I am going to go in the woods tomorrow." Even though logic would say you can probably take a shit in the backyard of your Montana ranch or at least in the swimming pool at the W, these celebs are in search of an exoticism to contrast their unfed sense of self-loathing. Joke: Eva Mendes topped both Barrymore and Diaz by the end of the show while in Africa, “Hey guys. I just met some black guy who told me if I really wanted to get the whole 'African-thing' down, I should cut off my clitoris.”

“Oh my god, I am so fucking jealous, I am definitely going to mutilate my vagina the second we leave this god-awful safari. I don’t even like peeing, these women are so lucky and happy.”

Journalism for Drunks

2005-04-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

I began my last week of classes ever today (depending on whether I pass Jewish Studies) without knowing how to feel about the whole thing. College is the shit, but it keeps me from doing important things - like writing for a blog that no one reads.

A journalism post for those with a common interest. The AP reports that the Kalamazoo Gazette recently fired a reporter and photographer for getting too close to their subject:

The Kalamazoo Gazette has fired a reporter and a photographer after they told editors that they consumed alcohol while working on a story for a recent series about problem drinking among college-age adults, the newspaper said.

It has only been a few weeks since HST died and newspapers are already becoming prude. I remember reading when Hunter went to the Kentucky Derby with Steadman for that Scanlan/Rolling Stone article. He was drunk off mint juleps by 10 in the morning and had to take care of a his passed out illustrator. The reporters in Kalamazoo were fired and subsequently apologized for playing "beer pong" for their article about the game in question. If Hunter were the reporter he would have drank both sides beers before removing the students' adrenal glands and sucking them dry. I regard Gonzo Journalism and New Journalism with mixed opinions. Yes, it gives the writer too much room to lie and exaggerate, but it also gives this voyeuristic satisfaction to the reader who puts themself in the shoes of the witness.

I am about to leave school and push for a profession in journalism. I was previously under the impression that drinking on the job was OK. It is not. Especially for taxi drivers.

Removing the Feeding Tube

2005-04-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Just got back from formal (aka Fear and Loathing in Destin), a not-that-much needed rest/stayed up for three days straight. Sorry for the lack of posts over the weekend. Luckily I made it back just in time to not watch TV for a week.

I have to admit that I like Adbusters, I don't mind paying six or seven bucks an issue. They started this TV Turnoff Week a few years ago and now it is catching on a bit, much like their Buy Nothing Day. This year's fest features a nifty little gadget called TV-B-Gone. The keychain-sized remotes are universal remonsters designed to turn off televisions in public spaces.

Television has always been an interest of mine. My roommate and I made a conscious decision not to own one, however I find myself gravitating towards my neighbor's when I am bored or stoned. I recently picked up Mitchell Stephens' "Rise of the Image/Fall of the Word," a research packed piece of academie that argues in favor of a TV Nation. Stephens makes the point that visual literacy has greater potential than the written word, and that all new forms of media are met with trepidation before they become the norm.

I do truly find TV deplorable. Not only is it a venture that leaves participants feeling worthless but I have always felt that its greatest danger is its ability to lower attention spans. I quote my other main motherfucking man David Foster Wallace from "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never do Again":

In younger Americans' experience, people in the same room don't do all that much direct conversing with each other. What most of the people I know do is they sit and face the same direction and stare at the same thing and then structure commercial-length conversations around the sorts of questions that myopic car-crash witnesses might ask each other - 'Did you see what I just saw?'

Although my generation can destroy yours in Madden 2011, we probably can't pay attention long enough to remember we did so. If none of these reasons appeal to you to throw your TV out the window (and then pick it back up in a week) then look at it as challenge. Can you do without TV? I think I can, but its easy for me because the Knicks never make the fucking playoffs.

Scalia: "Is it Hot in Herrre?"

2005-04-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

Clandestine blogging from work once again - and yes, once again my brain is feeling a bit mushy.

Last week Supreme Courtier Antonin Scalia accepted an invitaton from some heady NYU Law students to come speak at their annual forum. After rocking through an exhilarating set titled “Judiciary Activism, Fuck Yeah,” Scalia came out for an encore and to take some queries from his adoring fans.
(re-enactment)
Scalia: Yes you in the back holding the Chihuahua.
Law school student Eric Berndt: Hey guy. For the pleasure of the audience could you slowly and sensually explain your dissent from the Lawrence v. Texas case in 2003?
AS: Huh? The what? What the fuck did you say to me?
EB: My cell phone is ringing but I’ll ignore it. You know, that decision to strike down the nation’s sodomy laws and…
AS: Oh yeah, no, you mean the “Assfucking Addendum.” Yeah, you know we all have been hammered and put it in the wrong hole to mixed results but I don’t want to have to think about David Bowie and Mick Jagger giving each other colostomies.
EB: I see, well, I practiced this in the mirror this morning…(drumroll)…Do you sodomize your wife? (gasps and giggles abound save Scalia)
AS: (winks to wife Maureen who was in attendance) Eww. No way. There is poop in there.

I think both conservatives and liberals need to be more cognizant of the dangers of taking unfiltered questions from college kids. When Howard Dean came here to Tulane, College Republicans hurled strange taunts at him like: “How much money do you donate to children,” and “You promised not to make fun of the president and now you are being mean.” There is certainly always the possibility of taking a pie in the face as well. Judge Scalia learned this valuable lesson from that delicious NYU queer this week. The trick is a little bit of savvy profiling when calling on a student for questions. A tip for those like Scalia attending University forums. Chihuahua, lisp, murse, capris = yella-belly NYU liberal; No friends, halitosis, folded-up newspaper, paranoia, fake glasses = College Republican; Sense of humor, delightful mischief, narcolepsy, lasagna = Garfield the Cat.

Activist Influenza: West Nile Don't Have Shit

2005-04-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

As quantifiable evidence that HeadyGooBalls is the definitive inspiration of a generation, college campuses across the nation have exploded in fits of activism. Last week I wrote a post titled "Creative Loafing" - outlining a few student movements taking place to raise wages of university employees. It was read by millions and envied by thousands. This week has seen an astronomical rise in the amount of activism on university campuses. Is it trendy? Radical chic if you will?

- On Wednesday, students at Emerson College in MA rallied in support of the faculty union.

- The next day students at Amherst marched to promote a plan that would make all public colleges tuition-free.

- 24 hours later students at BC marched for the gay rights of gay students and gayer employees.

- Schools all over California (including Berkeley, Santa Cruz and San Jose State) protested rising tuition fees.

- Ivy League TAs at Yale and Columbia held plutonic hands in an effort to unionize their quasi-profession.

Couple all of these with the protests mentioned in my previous post and we are looking at a legitimate movement out of a generation denoted for its apathy and incredible video game dexterity. A Boston Globe article describes this phenomenom:

Their causes are more diverse than the tightly focused agendas of past generations, specialists said, and their goals may be more modest changing a campus or neighborhood instead of the world.

The funny thing is that these hippies are winning. Harvard has sold off its investments with a company that does business in Sudan after student outrage. Kids at Georgetown won toiletcleaners a bunch of new and improved contracts. A hunger-strike at Wash U. in St. Louis just ended after the Chancellor came around on employee rights.

It is unclear what to make of this stuff. I watch it from the window of the most apathetic school in the nation - Tulane - where booze silences all consciouses. But if online poker is considered activism, then I must add our institution to the list.

The Game Says: I love Marijuana but I Hate 50 Cent

2005-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

You didn't think we would let you down on 420, did you brah? Today I woke up, got totally ripped off my thirteen-footer, went to work, quit my job, ate a pot brownie, rode a cheetah, played video games, ate a pot brownie, watched Aqua Teen and wrote this post.

420 has become both pop culture phenomenom and serious market draw. Companies have been birthed around the name of this "High Holiday" (not clever) - 420 Sweetwater Brewery in Atlanta to name one - and it is not a joke that local pizza places and late-night eateries prepare for this long day of awkward phone calls for take-out and people asking the delivery guy if he wants to get high.

Why 420 though? Why the fuck 420, huh? Do we need an excuse to get high? Probably not. But it is a good chance to test our THC intake limits, of which I have none. I did some research on the holiday.

Some say "420" is the penal code number for possession.

Others say that there are 420 chemicals in pot.

This guy who sold me weed said that when the Grateful Dead went on tour they always stayed in room 420. He is an idiot, but his weed is fantastic.

Ready for the truth? Ready to pass out? The phrase's genesis dates back to a crew of stony-pony high-schoolers who in 1971 needed some sly drug lingo to let each other know they liked pot. "420 Louis" they would call to each other, indicating the time they were going to smoke, as well as the location - the Louis Pasteur statue. The crew - known as the Waldos - smoked so much pot and went to so many Dead shows that their phrase soon became the most successful drug meme in the history of smoking weed.

The Waldos still obviously smoke weed because their website is fucking retarded and they think they are still cool because people still like drugs. But they still deserve props for making pot a holiday. To this I submit my own entry into the pop-drug lexicon: Smokealologylyst - a person who talks about weed too much.

UPDATE: HeadyGooBallas let me know what your plans are for today in the comments.

2005-04-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

For anyone else who is a fan of the most evil team since the Newark Babykillers, there is a great new blog by the guy who writes for Crooks and Liars. Check it out holmes: (here)

Hey Roomie! My Computer is Not Your Personal Porn Store

2005-04-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Need-based roommate situations are one of the most looked over social institutions in this country. They are amazing. The results. Sometimes they work, sometimes they end in bloody double homicides. Nonetheless, they are an institution that crosses the socio-economic spectrum: from people pooling food stamps, to priveleged college students at private schools.

David Chen of the New York Times takes an eye or two to the topic of roommates in NYC:

In New York, the eternal struggle to cope with the high cost of living has often meant a willingness to live with just about anyone, anyhow.

Adults in their 30's routinely move back in with their parents. Young artists bunk with other young artists in $3,000-a-month apartments intended for two tenants, not six. Poor immigrants wedge themselves into unsafe tenements, mimicking generations before them.

But more and more, the unforgiving math of housing economics is altering and upending the lives of older New Yorkers as well, forcing them into urgent partnerships in which embarrassment is eclipsed by necessity, fear must be swallowed and the loves and habits of a lifetime must be bent just to make do -- often with complete strangers.

The rest of the story is a profile of the mixed successes of elderly New Yorkers being forced to room with strangers. At best, friendships are formed out of people - no longer able to entirely care for themselves - making the health of their fellow boarder a priority. At worst, roommates take just small enough bites out of leftovers for the other person not to notice and completely ignore hankerchiefs left on doors when one of the elder patrons is "hooking up."

I personally find the institution of random roommates a benevolent one. It is a great opportunity to learn about someone from a different culture, learn how to come to terms with your own pet peeves - and for those living on campus - learn how to deal with the awkwardness of sleeping next to someone you barely know having sex/jerking off.

Lastly - if this is too long then fuck off - roommates are a sound solution to increasing urban (or even suburban) density. This seems to be a hot topic outside of Jane Jacobs and an important one as suburban sprawl seems to spawn the worst of American culture. Big Media Matt (are we on those terms?) has a good point here, and I agree that there is no need for underutilized space in a country where so many have no place to live at all (much like many in Chen's profile).

Socially Conscious Gluttony

2005-04-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever bit into a falafel sandwich and thought: "where did this food come from?"; "Who grew these delicious chick peas?"; "This tahini, its fantastic, but it wasn't made by God. Somebody must have raised the ingredients. Damn this is good, I think it was God"

Trying to conceive the origins of the foods we devour everyday is as horrifying as anything I want to think about. We try to avoid this thinking at all costs, but that fucking conscious keeps getting in the way. Whether we conjure up images of slaughterhouses from SInclair or Schlosser, or the "Weedpatch Camp" in Grapes of Wrath, or the heroic plight of chickens who risk it all to escape their terrible fates in 2000's Chicken Run, the source of our grub is not a pleasant subject.

I applaud Cornell University for forcing some young minds into meditating on the politics of food production in a course titled "Farmworkers." Prof. Ray Craib states the course's intent is to "break down the invisible walls between the university and the surrounding area." The class makes regular field trips to local farms where migrant workers and illegal aliens breakt their backs for a chance to provide us with Planter's peanuts.

Certainly we need more transparency in food markets, but I must admit I still eat Jello even after watching that dead horse get boiled down and his bones grinded into powder and mixed in with sugar and artificial coloring and flavoring.

Artistic Intervention

2005-04-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing too heady to report on today. Its Friday and my cabeza is bruised. I'm at work sending off dispatches - minimizing the screen everytime I think someone is about to walk in the room. Peep this piece of poppy kitsch via the Chronicle of Higher Education:

"He decided to educate his peers about the dangers of partying too hard. So Mr. Bradley, an art student, came up with Homie - an advice-seeking house with giant eyes and moving lips projected from inside onto the windows and front door."

Thank you Mr. Bradley. What this is, is a student at University of Michigan who lives in an area frequented by drunk co-eds, who wants to provide a safe and wierd forum to dispense alchohol safety information. Next time I am stumbling home wasted and alone I will be sure to stop by and recap my night's adventures with a talking house. Sample questions for the house (who is cleverly named "Homie"):

Q: My fraternity brothers made me funnel a box of Franzia, am I drunk?
Homie the House: Oh whats up man. How many fingers am I holding up. Zero, ha, its a trick, I am a talking house.

Q: Someone put a roofie in my drink, but I knew it and drank it anyway so I could get extra fucked up. What's your name?
H: My name's Homie girl. I would hit on you a little more but I am not sure if I am a boy or a girl.

Q: I am starting to forget large periods of time when I drink, is this dangerous?
H: Not really my man. Do you like Texas Hold 'Em? I know a place. $20 buy-in, no-limit, you game?
Q: Sure talking house. You need a ride?

In this blogger's humble opinion there is really only one way to get alchohol education in school. Drink until it hurts and then drunk dial your mom, she'll tell you all about it.

Journalists: No More Sleeping on the Couch

2005-04-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

I don't think much has been said about this Nicholas Kristof editorial in the NYT that ran this week:

In our society, public support for the news media has all but evaporated

St. Nicholas brings some heady research to the forefront citing a chapter from PEW's new book in which the organization found that "45 percent of Americans believe little or nothing in their daily newspapers."

A little disheartening for an aspiring journalist. I bet more people believe their psychic than a Columbia J-School educated stud at the NYT. Kristof writes "I don't see any easy solutions," and then offers up some half-ass attempts like calling on papers to print more corrections. When was the last time you read the corrections section?

The only reasons Krisof cites for the media and public not getting along lately are the possible jailings of Judith Miller and Matthew Cooper. Oh but the rabbit hole goes so much deeper. Kristof writes that the media is out of touch with the public, and he certainly proves it.

How about Dan Rather? America's leading critical TV anchor got smeared all over the media, a kick in the nuts to that news forum. How about Armstrong Williams? My psychic told me he was lying. How about Gannon/Guckertgate? During that C-Span forum this guy said he had no problem relaying unfiltered information straight from the administration's talk-hole to the public.

This nascent journalist/blogger/I need to go to class right now offers some real solutions. Does anyone remember the Fairness Doctrine? That's right, before 1985 news had to be balanced by law. Its repeal under Reagan gave metaphoric birth to people like Rush Limbaugh. Bring that thing back and watch the Limbaugh/FrankenFactor. John Kerry's got a good solution, put restrictions on video news releases. That miracle drug, that safe car, that cool candidate, most of these news clips come from companies and parties, not journalists. Lastly, we need to promote the good work that journalists do, not the ones who whore themselves out as fake-ass military anal sluts. Give more awards to muckrakers like Sy Hersch and people like Dexter Filkins who put their ass in front of bullets to bring you news from Iraq you ungrateful bastard.

If professional news becomes a thing of the past then bloggers will certainly rule in which I will dominate with an iron-fist as Viceroy of Commerce, I like the sound of that.

Creative Loafing

2005-04-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

With my ears to the ground of college rumblings, this in from my friend that goes to Washington University in St. Louis (quote from Associated Press):

Washington University students taking part
in the ninth day of a sit-in seeking higher
pay for the university's contract workers
were notified Tuesday by the school that they
were violating the school's judicial code.

In reaction to their apparent violation 15 students unplugged the vending machines and began a hunger strike. The school has conceded $500,000 to help raise wages, but the students' research suggests they would need to commit something like $2.4 million.

Breaking generational stereotypes, youngsters across the nation have combined sympathy with activism to increase wages for university employees. Just last week, Georgetown students thanked the janitors for cleaning the puke out of the water fountains by staging their own sit-in/hunger strike. In 2001, Harvard students vowed to skip classes for a few days (but still get A's) to raise hourly wages. Both campaigns were successful in getting better pay for employees.

Its funny that these types of movements are occurring at schools with the highest tuitions in the country (all around $30,000). How are these funds being managed you wonder, or are employees at schools with smaller budgets fairing even worse?

Minimum wage has been an issue in Congress this month, and although these wide-eyed sprites did give up Easy-Mac for like a week, this remains a federal issue. Check this study out:

In only four of the nation's 3,066 counties can someone working full-time for the federal minimum wage afford to pay rent and utilities on a one-bedroom apartment

That's fucked up. Anyway, I have an outstanding water bill that is through the roof, couple that with an empty fridge and I am about to have my own hunger strike. E-mail me any canned goods you have please, or just put a slice of pizza in my mailbox.

New-er-er Ways to Make Love to Your I-Pod (and not feel guilty after)

2005-04-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

So I beckoned Columbia's own Sloan to check out the newest trend in the newest trendiest gadget; something called Podcasting:

The four minute video gave me everything I needed in order to PODCAST. It is really a novel idea. Downloading and setting up the program was easy and time efficient. The program is designed well and without much difficulty, you can have your own radio “tivo”. The only troubling part is finding the right program. The Poddcaster comes with a long list of shows, but it is up to the user to find one that he likes. The selection of shows is not limited to music, in fact the bulk of what I found was talk. If you have a website that you like, you can easily add it to the list. Overall, I give the program a strong endorsement in terms of usability, but it is in the hands of the user to find a show they like. Here are some sites with streaming shows…iPodder.org, podcastalley.com or podcast.net. As for Podcasting as an alternative to radio and maybe even satellite radio, it would really rely on the accessibility and availiablity of quality content. It is more convenient than radio in that you can listen to a select program whenever you like rather than when it is scheduled. As well, you can program your computer to record a show whenever it is on. Does anyone find this interesting or should I shut the fuck up right now?!?

Nothing Says America Like the Beaches of Malta

2005-04-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

I am really quicking myself in the crotch for not posting this earlier when I found out about it. Although it has made its rounds on the internet, if you have not seen this yet, you simply must before you perish (it is a big file but it is so fucking worth it).

The man making love to the camera is Dennis Madalone, a hollywood stuntman/world record holder/songwriter/ patriot/my coke dealer/true friend to America. His love for country stems from the time he was working on the set of "Demolition Man" and Stallone refused to do a stunt where he was to be cryogenically frozen. Madalone saw this as his "big break" and stood in for Stallone while the crew immersed his body in nitroglycerin where he would spend the next ten years in suspended animation. When Madalone immersed from his freeze someone told him about 9-11 and he got pissed. He decided to release a kick-ass rock ballad/ballet and video in which he swims with ghost dolphins and touches a black child's head.

Warrior, Ultimate

2005-04-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

I got wind of this from my buddy that goes to UConn.

James Hellwig wasn't getting enough respect in conservative circles. I mean yeah it was cool that he used to battle the racially stereotyped likes of Yokozuna and Tatanka, but how could he contend with the overflowing masculinity of William Kristol, he basically got laughed out of the AEI cafeteria when he ordered the daffodil salad and asked for vinegarette on the side. So the former WWF champ changed his name...again...this time legally...to, first name: Ultimate; last name: Warrior.

Since then Mr. Warrior has been traveling college campuses discussing his suspicions that Sgt. Slaughter was a closet liberal and breaking foldable chairs over the backs of students who ask silly questions. Everything was cool until the Warrior was met by a bunch of renegade anti-racists and anti-homophobes while doing a speech at UConn.

What is really that bad about telling a group of youngsters that "queering don't make the world work," (what does that even mean?) and telling a student of Iranian descent to go "get a towel." But he wasn't even wet, which is why I don't get...wait...oh, the Ultimate Warrior is a racist, I get it, nice one Warrior.

The Warrior released a retort on this website in which he offered that "any others who objected to the substance of what Warrior had to say would certainly have been within their rights to challenge Warrior during the Q&A period" Although the Iranian kid's theme song never played and he never got to storm out from behind the curtain and take on Warrior's challenge he still might file a lawsuit.

They Never Mentioned this on ER

2005-04-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

Something troubling brought to my attention via Compton. The New England Journal of Medicine reports on how rising rates of incurred debt from graduate medical programs are turning our would-be Doogie Howsers into nothing but a bunch of Vinnie Delpinos:

By 2004, the debt had increased to $105,000 for public school graduates and $140,000 for private school grads.

Since pre-meds are too busy studying pretentious pretty things like "Organic Chemistry" they come out of school with little knowledge of money management. Start them a couple hundred thou down with little managing experience and these young men and women are getting harsh introductions into the real world.

The results are what you might expect. The article explains that 60% of med students come from the top quintile (fifth, I looked it up) of income. As the population becomes more diverse, doctors are becoming more homogenous (see: rich and white). While 1 in 8 Americans are black, only 1 in 20 doctors are black. Interesting blog here.

My main beef with this trend is that we are diluting our talent pool. By scaring off young geniuses with prospects of debt, and denying access to so many great minds in lower income brackets, the medical profession is producing less superstars...no LeBron James' of neurological surgery (plenty of Stacy Augmon's however). I support this claim with a little diddy by my main motherfucking man Mark Twain in Connecticut Yankee:

The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nation, and from the mass of the nation only - not from its privileded classes.

Twain was a clever feller, med schools should take note. If states don't want to increase education budgets we will soon be seeing a vast surplus of plastic surgery degrees and somethig like the importation of general practitioners from places like India or even Indiana.

Teachers, and the teaching teacher things they do

2005-04-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Are you familiar with this look on professors' faces when they accidentally stumble across a controversial current events issue. It's like they want to editorialize, they give a sort of half-smile...pause...cringe...wipe sweat from brow and then move on. Once and awhile the pressure proves too much: "Oh fuck it...Bush is a pussy and his daughters are skanks...better."

Fear no longer teach. The secrets out. You're all a bunch of yella-belly liberals, and we know it because we have an academic study to prove it. From the Smith/George Mason/Toronto study:

72 percent of professors at American universities labeled themselves liberal, while just 15 percent said they are conservative. Among faculty members, 50 percent identified themselves as Democrats and only 11 percent as Republicans.

To the editorials. Paul Krugman says the types of conservatives fit to teach prefer private-sector moneymaking gigs over academia anyway, even in fields like engineering. Shorter Jonah Goldberg: "Liberals can't find jobs so they end up teaching." Conservagina Cal Thomas awkwardly identifies the problem with liberal values in the classroom by citing that 88% of professors want more environmental protection and 65% want the gov't to ensure full employment. Holy fucking shit ass crap and fuck...protecting the environment? Getting people jobs? Is Oral Roberts still accepting applications?

Some like the National Association of Scholars claim that the study is "the first time that a rigorous social-science study has brought forth strong evidence of discrimination against conservatives in academic hiring." Kind of, sort of, not really, WRONG, OK I am going to have to disagree.

Its not that our deans and presidents and other academic gatekeepers are rejecting conservatives at an unfair rate from a pool of equal number liberals, equal number conservatives. Rather, academics are changing their politics based on the effects of administration policy.

It has long been assumed that social science professors have always been bi-liberal curious, but what to make of "hard science" teachers crossing to the dark side. I offer one reason:not only has the administration censored and tampered with the findings of environmental scientists but in 2004, 60 of the nation's best scientists - among them 20 Nobel Laureates - sent Dubya some hate mail declaring he was distorting scientific data for political ends. So this is where the conservative science academics have gone. They have either become sick of the disinformation or admitted to what I have been saying all along (much to the chagrin of reason) that Darwin is a bitch and I didn't come from no motherfucking monkey.

Re: The Truth About Harvard

2005-04-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

This is how we peak our heads over the high walls of Harvard's Cambridge campus. We [people without 1590 SAT scores, people not in Skull & Bones, and people who are not Asian] know of Harvard's storied education but may only access it through the film and literature of insiders. Better than With Honors and better than James Toback's Harvard Man is an Atlantic Monthly article by recent graduate Ross Douthat.

In the piece, young Douthat ponders the reasons for Harvard's now-infamous grade inflation and puts the rest of us at ease by comparing an education at Harvard to "being cheated," "or being sodomized with a broomstick" (is plagiarism illegal?). Douthat's points are salient and it is obvious that Harvard is not alone with its generous grade donations. Douthat's reaons for grade inflation are as follows:

- Profs. who give out bad grades fear having empty classrooms.

- There are less kids content with getting C's because their daddies are rich. Kids nowadays determine post-grad happiness through personal accomplishment.

- Grade inflation started when teachers began rewarding kids who protested Vietnam.

- Professors feel too much responsibility as "gatekeepers to wordly success." Who could say no to Sally crying about not being able to get into Veternarian's school, she loves dogs.

- (the most interesting point) Classes in philosophy, history, literary theory offer nothing to students who don't want to be historians or philosophers. Therefore teachers grade inflate because they know an A will do more for a person in life than a background in "Reason and Faith in the West"

Briefly, if I may interject, I know I don't go to Harvard, but my brother goes to Columbia: Douthat speaks of developing a better required (or core) cirriculum. The problem is that these 101 type classes are too easy not to get A's in. The tests are the same from year to year, they are taught in massive rooms perfect for cheating and TAs are easily influenced by (my) sex. I know these loopholes have always existed but technology has added some new lubricant.

Abstinence Pledges Gone Wild

2005-04-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

At around the age of 14 boys begin to develop superpowers that enable them to impregnate females. Finding the right kryptonite to hinder this sticky exchange has become a wedge issue worth discussing/laughing at. While some people argue we should cover their squirt guns with plastic bags and feed their counterparts pills that will trick the body into thinking it's pregnant, others rally for a more Christ-like solution: abstinence (aka anal sex). The Detroit Free-Press paraphrases a recent Yale/Columbia study:

Among virgins, boys who had pledged abstinence were four times more likely to have had anal sex, according to the study.

While Dubya pledged to increase abstinence education and parents present their twelve-year-old daughters with tacky abstinence rings, a generation of shamed anal sluts are forced to keep their issues on the hush. The study concludes that:

Young adults who as teenagers take pledges to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to contract a venereal disease as people who don't make the promise.

Opponents who don't think that WWJD means anal sex argue the study's subjects are not true abstinence fans. Can you even imagine how the study went down, interviewing Catholic schoolgirls and boys and getting results akin to a left wing conspiracy:

Crusty Yale Scholar: So how are you today? I noticed you have an abstinence ring on. Yeah those two sapphires do really look like your grandmother's eyes who is watching your sexual activity from heaven. Anyway, have you ever had sex before?

Catholic School Hussy: No of course not silly. Wait anal doesn't count right, because I totally do that.

Yale: Oh, you have had anal sex before?

Hussy: Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that right? What is that quote from the book of Timothy again. "Flee also youthful lust, but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. And also anal sex is OK."

Yale: Yeah something like that [salivating]. Thanks for your time, you can send in the next skirt. Oh, but before you leave...um...you don't have any like STDs do you?

Schoolgirl: Oh, yeah, I have a mean case of herpes, why could you tell?

I would like to hear some opinions on this. I actually have friends who fit this study's profile exactly. Oh and by the way, I am transferring to Loyola.

The Time We Killed Johnny Cash

2005-04-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

OK. This shit was wierd the first time, now it is certain that I have played part in killing two celebrities. The first time we killed a celebrity was after an evening of partying. Myself and my roommate and couple of friends were winding down in my apartment discussing the advantages of driving sober while listening to some Cash vinyl. Joel (my roommate) makes a comment to the likes of: "Man Johnny is going to die, he has not been the same since June Carter passed." It was about midnight at the time. Johnny then passed an hour later.

So this brings me to a couple of nights ago. We are driving to Ms. Mae's for a couple apple-tinis and we are listening to Mitch Hedberg play on someone's I-Pod and we talk about how Hedberg performed at our school and he was fucking crazy. That was probably around 1 a.m. This time our fatal words took a little longer to work, but by 10 a.m. Hedberg was found dead.

I have been desperately listening to Phil Collins CDs since.

How About a Tomahawk to the Face, huh?

2005-03-31T09:32:00.000-08:00

What's wrong with this picture? Well, first off, Native Americans don't smile. Second, they don't wear feathers; they wear pillows so they don't break their skulls when they pass out drunk. That's probably not funny actually. The conversation over representations of Native Americans in collegiate and professional sports made headlines today. From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

The team symbol with the shortest drive to St. Louis won't make the trip, "Chief Illiniwek" will stay home at the University of Illinois.

It does amaze me that these Native American caricatures still exist in American sports. Chief Illiniwek in particular dates back to 1928. Supporters of the chief say he is a tribute to Native American heroism. Surely American settlers were impressed in the way Sioux Plains Indians fought valiantly with bows and arrows while Custer and such hurled smallpox, but something like the name "Redskin" - a deragatory term created by whites - is a moniker that no one can take pride in.

What amazes me more is a Sports Illustrated poll from 2002 which found that 83% of Native Americans did not mind the use of Indian symbols in professional sports. How do you explain this? With no proper education on reservations and a departure from oral traditions, it is scary to think that a people are losing touch with their core values.

Schools like the U of Minnesota refuse to play out-of-conference teams with Native American mascots; Portland's Oregonian decided not to print the names of such teams in its paper; and I won't even pay when I lose money at the Indian casino. It seems that the schools which sit on the largest Indian graveyards (Illinois, Michigan, Ohio) are the most inclined to have an Indian mascot. A true tribute to this people would be to divert recruiters from inner-city areas - like South Chicago and Detroit (which are no doubt in need too) - to reservations which are ultimately the most desperate.

Pay for Music?!? Get Off it Old Man

2005-03-30T12:16:00.000-08:00

While Terry Schiavo ballhogs this week's headlines there is apparently a much more exciting case heating up at the Supreme Court. What's more exciting than a woman who hasn't spoken or moved for fifteen years you ask? The case is MGM v. Grokster (a P2P file-sharing application). At the heart of this battle is the question of whether production companies and labels can sue software companies that provide illegal downloading services. Editors at WaPo sided with the record companies this week:

But Grokster and StreamCast are not simply technologies that can be used for good or ill; they are technologies that were designed and marketed precisely so as to facilitate theft.

Matthew Yglesias both here and here provides such much needed rationality on the issue (reader must note I only deem it "rational" because it is an opinion that will further my abilities to steal music). Yglesias writes:

What’s at stake here is not just the future of a few companies but the future of innovation itself, both technological and artistic.

Yglesias argues that just because a technology is capable of illegalities does not mean it should be banned (see: VCR). My roomate was commenting the other day on how amazing it is that there are all these softwares available that are being produced by kids in basements. We need to nurture technological innovation. There is no doubt that P2P file-sharing can find a legitimate niche, as well it provides a forum for unsigned artists do distribute music. The only feasible resolution I can foresee is that the music industry needs to conform to the modern internet-media marketplace. When Napster first came out I thought it would force disrtibutors to lower the price of CDs and force bands to go on tour more often. While neither seems to be true I would still pay $17.99 for a Genesis reunion album.

East and West Agree: McDonald's is Easier Said than Eaten

2005-03-29T11:17:00.000-08:00

From an article in this weeks Advertising Age (I had to get a membership so read it):

Hip-hop artists have plugged in virtually every high-end brand from Cartier to Versace into their song lyrics. But now the Big Mac is about to get name dropped.

It seems McDonald's knows a thing or two or three or everything about exploiting youth and black culture with their plans to employ the Maryland based Maven Strategies and put Big Mac references into rap songs. Maven and McDonald's will approach rap's biggest names with an offer of $5 for every time their mention of Big Macs in a song gets played on the radio. Think that your homey 50 Cent is above this whoring, think again.

Last year Maven offered rappers a similar package to include Seagram's Gin in their grimiest hip-hop singles. Remember Petey Pablo's "Freek-a-leek," or at least the girl with huge tits in the video: "Now I want to give a shout out to Seagram's Gin/Cause I'm drinkin' it and they payin' me." Seagram's also paid off the likes of Kanye West who was the winner of American Brandstand's dubious award for having the most product placement on one album.

Let's prop our ears up this summer to see which hip-hop icon/marketing slut gives into this greasy McMoney venture. Me thinks that this article gives somewhat of an explanation to the lyric on the new Fitty song: "I got niggas all around me watching my back/So now I don't leave the crib without a Big Mac/McDonald's is the shit you bitchass faggot mothafuckas/I'm still Lovin' It Irv Gotti you fat biatch."

Yellow Fever

2005-03-28T12:24:00.000-08:00

I like the Simpsons a lot, no doubt. I don't like them enought to watch every fucking syndicated repeat every night like my roomate Joel, but nonetheless I enjoy the Simpsons. For this reason it came as a shock to me that there appears to be a debate in the blogosphere about the supposed "decline of the Simpsons."

Jumping the Shark - a website dedicated to tracking the decline of sitcoms - is the place for quantitative analysis of the show's peak and decline. The website offers a poll where nerds can vote on when they think the show peaked. The top moments/reasons include: Homer getting too stupid (1), the death of Maude Flanders (2), Conan O'Brien leaving the show (7) and Phil Hartman dying (8).

Both Pandagon and Norbizness offer quasi-interesting takes on the data, but I offer the best...always. The Simpsons began with Bart Simpson as the main character - a renegade fourth grader who fourth graders could watch. As we grew the Simpsons grew and now the show's appeal is no longer for a elementary school crowd. This change in audience has allowed the show to change frequently and has kept it running for this however many year stretch. But its ass may be dragging.

The decline is parodied by the South Park episode in which Cartman can't think of a new Simpsons episode, they have all already been used. And its true. What I predict we will see from this tired staff are two trends: 1) More celebrities. Our culture loves them, I want to bang them and they take over the plot of a show. Easy writing and not very funny. 2) More current events. That is why there's that show that has been running for like a hundred years. What's it called again...oh yeah, the news. By talking current events there is always something new and controversial. It is a cop-out that Simpsons writers have been employing lately and that South Park has already mastered. Don't worry though because Aqua Teen Hunger Force will never decline, because I am always high.

New-er Ways to Make Love to Your I-Pod

2005-03-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Whether you read the post below or not do not concern yourself for it has been proven obsolete via Sloan. Technology now mixes with media democracy resulting in you (the consumer) getting access to any sweet tunes you want to listen to during your spinning class. The techno-socialists at Learning the Lessons of Nixon offer a simple and heady video about the newest revolution in stealing music: Podcasting. Learn the word and watch the video I think this is going to be big. REVIEW COMING SOON

From the good people at Mod Gods comes a genuinely cool new application for I-Pod owners/losers. These techno-geeks prove that necessity is the mother of invention as we have long yearned for a way to directly gain access to our friends and lovers I-Pods. Althought the process is far too complicated for my own comprehension I advise those with the technical savvy (nerds) to bare your souls and open up to one another with P2P MP3 sharing - the only downfall of course is that you actually have to see and smell the social recluse you are cohorting to steal music with unlike the comfortable anonymity of LimeWire.

Anal Sex and College Budgets

2005-03-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

AP stringers in SoCal picked up on this story from the Pierce College Roundup:

An adult cable television network paid Pierce College $5,000 to use its baseball field for a racy promotional video

The network was Spice, and the video apparently was a heated battle between shirts and skins in which there are many funny jokes to be made about pitching and catching. Nonetheless, campus prudes and women protested the video's racy nature. From the LA Daily News:

Jon Coupal, president of the Howard Jarvis Taxpayers Association, said the shoot was a ``grossly inappropriate use of a public facility.''``Is this taxpayer bonds for bondage? It sends the wrong message to college students. I'm as strong a defender of the First Amendment as anybody else, but that's not what this is about.''

Decency issues aside, I heard the game wasn't even that close. People reading this story should think less about money-shots and more about how California schools are being forced to whore themselves out to stay in business and provide educational services.

Blogging for Love

2005-03-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

If you are the are the super-hot 29-year-old woman that I made out with on my birthday in that club in Savannah please give me a call. I know I am only 22, but I have a blog.

Playstation Bracketology

2005-03-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

Joel tries to look through the TV

Selection Sunday begins the long and annoying process of inquiring about so-called expert opinions to gain the special insight that may help you win your bracket. Analysis and over-analysis ensues. Jim Nantz and Greg Gumbel ponder a possible matchup between #2 seed UCONN and #3 Kansas. Gumbel proves particularly savvy on this topic: “What if UCONN did play Kansas Jim?” Indeed Greg. What if? Can I get into Newhouse Communications school now too?

So Gumbel and Nantz prove to be a dry well in making my Final Four picks.

Chris Compton and Joel Ross argue over who’s idea it was first. “I saw somebody do this on ESPN or something and it was cool,” declares Compton.
“No, I was watching CBS and they were making picks and then I thought of it.”

The proposed idea: Play out the results of this year’s NCAA B-ball tourney on EA Sports March Madness 2005 as a means of predicting who will win this year — an idea worth arguing or possibly even dying for.

I am sitting at my computer applying for jobs when Joel pitches his idea for me to cover this tournament of champions for the website — then he makes fun of the way I say tournament (tour-na-ment). It is obvious he is stoned and it is obvious I am not going to get a job so I decide to join in on this waste of a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

For the next hour Chris and Joel smoke weed, watch a new Simpsons episode and manually enter all 64 teams into a blank bracket in the game.

The process is somewhat tedious. And by tedious I mean that this is already shaping up to be a bigger waste of time then I had ever expected. Chris reads off each team and then Joel flips through the hundreds of possible NCAA teams and enters it into the blank space and then Chris informs him he did it wrong and then he looks a little bit more and makes the right selection and waits for Chris’ approval and then they repeat the process…63 times.

After all the teams are entered the fun can begin, but at this point I am already having too much fun and decide to read a dictionary to calm myself down. Each roommate and one pledge that is living with us get to pick two teams that they can play with during the tournament:

Joel: Oklahoma and Illinois
Compton: Kansas and Wake Forest
Me: UConn and Arizona
Pledge: University of Louisiana-Lafayette

All the work entering the teams into the bracket is about to pay off. All games are to be simulated except games involving any of the aforementioned teams. Joel hits the start button and awaits the unbelievable prospect of fun that will be inevitably derived from playing ten consecutive hours of Playstation.

But the wide-eyed sprites are immediately confronted by horror, disappointment and trepidation and confusion and probably a general sense of worthlessness. It seems the computer will not allow anyone to actually play the game unless it is a pairing of the seven select teams. In the mean time the screen scrolls the results of simulated games, I try and record them as fast as I can and then realize that I am feverishly recording fake results of video game simulated basketball for the purpose of making real-life predictions for my bracket which I am going to bet actual money on.

Since new results come in every second, reactions to the results can only last for the one instant the score is on the screen, then it is a different reaction to a new result. “Yess…No…Shit Kansas really…Fuck c’mon Zona…Damn…This isn’t what I expected.” What Chris and Joel await now is a result that would pit their teams against each other giving them a chance to actually play the video game they rented earlier today.

Their final chance to salvage anything from the situation presents itself in the form of a potential Final Four match up between Joel’s Illinois and Chris’ Wake. All that needs to happen is for Illinois to beat UNC. Illinois then loses to UNC. Joel picks up the television and says he is “going to through it out the fucking window,” and then puts it down and makes the pledge get him a Gatorade because he is tired from picking up the television so much.

“I am really mad,” said Compton of ever having tried to attempt such an ambitious project. Nonetheless, we forget that the purpose of the exercise was to predict this year’s tournament winners. So without further ado…your Final Four results:

**Disclaimer** THE FOLLOWING ARE THE ACTUAL RESULTS OF THE 2005 NCAA BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT THAT IS YET TO BE PLAYED. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE PREVIOUS KNOWLEDGE OF THE TOURNAMENT SHUT DOWN YOUR COMPUTER NOW

The Final Four will be: Wake Forest, UNC, Arizona and the surprise of the tourney Michigan State.

The final: UNC 91 Wake 83

Read and laugh as your friends vainly try and fill out their brackets and then think in your head, “These fools have no idea about this thing I read on the internet,” and then laugh out loud but don’t tell them what you are laughing about.

Why Does He Even Wear Question Marks?

2005-03-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

OK, so the guy looks like and asshole and the commercial I saw last night had him posing outside the White House with his buddy who was dressed up as a computer with arms and legs. But get this, he was born with a name. What is even weirder is that his name is Matthew Lesko, and he has been a political renegade and jammer for the last fifteen years. Before he ever launched his new “?” fashion line, the WaPo in 1992 reported on a crazy guy who sent 14 jars of chicken innards to Senators who supported a Bush tax cut. In ’93 he released a collection of public documents that revealed Ross Perot’s company had forced Jewish employees to shave. In 96’ the guy released research that discovered that 50% more Republicans cheat their taxes than Democrats. Now, in between infomercials and cocaine, Lesko can be found lecturing Iraq War vets on how to save a few bucks. But Lesko’s antics and overt objections to the current administration’s tax histories have found him in hot water across the country. Last month The New York State Consumer Protection Board accused his books of being fraudulent amidst new releases from the Question on the bankruptcy overhaul bill that recently passed in Congress. Think what you want about Lesko but don’t think too much about him because he is fucking crazy.