A Tribute to Gentlemen: #1 Troy Hurtubise

After a long day of school and work I like to wind down and watch my favorite episodes of the deliciously racist Mr. Wong compilation. Yeah, that "delictable Chinaman." But fuck Wong. Skip him. He's yellow, big teeth, funny accent, I get it. Check out a documentary by the show's directors on the special features about a man name Troy Hurtubise.

This is the greatest and best documentary in the world. How can I describe this man without gushing. Hurtubise is a Canadian, oh, inventor I guess. He drinks 30 cups of coffee a day, is convinced the CIA and NASA are in a conspiracy to kill him and is the smartest most innovative person in North America, no joke. After being attacked by a grizzly while living in the woods (yeah consult the film) he invented a suit that would change the world. Let's just run through some of his inventions first:

The Ursus Bearsuit: This is the focus of the doc as well as another film called Project Grizzly. What started as a way to stop getting attacked by so many grizzlies turned into the most unstoppable armor known to man. Of the suit Hurtubise says, "You can tap dance in a minefield. You can take a dynamite blast. You can take AK-47 rounds all day. You can walk through 4,000-degree Fahrenheit heat." I am not kidding when I say that someone could take this thing, walk into a crowded city, kill everyone and it would take an army to take him/her down, and Hurtubise might just be that man.

Fire Paste: This stuff when rubbed on the body makes humans able to withstand tempuratures in the thousands. It also makes a swell lube.

Light Infantry Military Blast Cushion: This lightweight padding is able to withstand point blank shotguns, rockets, baseballs and judo chops.

The new one

The Angel Light: This shit is crazy. It is a huge laser beam with all these wires. It is incredibly dangerous when exposed to humans but Hurtubise is reckless. What the beam does is manipulates something known as the "Hyde Effect," using fuse light. In non-enginerd terms: When focused on an object (ex. wall) it becomes transparent or see-through, for real.

The practical applications for Hurtubise's work is limitless. This guy is cool. Safer hockey helmets, protection for bomb squads, new shells for space shuttles, ways to spy on girls pooping, a way to survive falling asleep in a fireplace. All the guy has to show however is the dubious Harvard Ig-Nobel award and millions in debt. I dare anyone to come collect that debt by the wayy.