Monday, May 09, 2005

Reaching that Tough 18-35 Nerd Demographic

So I finished my last final yesterday, ever. The end of my academic obligations for the rest of my life is really a wide range of emotions – from depressed to morbidly depressed. Nonetheless, I find the energy to roll out of bed and give you what you need son. Is anyone else in awe of how many different and not-creative ways Star Wars is whoring itself out to marketers?

I would first like a disclaimer: Though I like computers to blog and watch porn, I am by no means a nerd. I totally am in a fraternity and totally score with hot chicks. The fact that I am writing a gripe about Star Wars should not be confused for me liking Star Wars. I do not, because as I previously mentioned, I am not a nerd. I do share the outrage of nerds and geeks across the nation who are a bit pukish over how many corporate tie-ins their demigod George Lucas can commit to. See how upset uber-nerd Dave Gray of the Chicago Force is with Lucas: "He likes to say, and his defenders say, he built the empire and he can do what he wants with it. But building that empire was a partnership between consumers and the creators, so when the creators fail to recognize that it is a partnership ... that's where people do get upset."

I tried to track the current Star Wars tie-ins for Revenge (or is it Return) of the Sith, let me know if there are ones I am missing:

- A Star Wars themed desktop operating system for PC. It’s from a company called Alienware and reunites that famous duo of computers and Star Wars.

- Kellog’s cereals adorning the faces of Darth Vader and R2-D2. Check out the C-3PO box of Wheaties where he is dunking a basketball over Mia Hamm, right before going to get his nails done.

- For your dining pleasure, the Bentley of utensils, that’s right, a light-saber spoon to eat your cereal with, alone.

- How about Cingular ringtones recorded by the man who might be as hairy as my dad, Chewbacca? Also Sony Ericsson handsets preloaded with exclusive Star Wars content and a RAZZ headset preloaded with 10 famous sound clips from the Star Wars saga. I already find ringtones to be the most obnoxious of new communication technologies, good thing this one is at least classy.

- AOL will feature links to new Star Wars trailer which will inevitably be less disappointing than the movie itself.

- M&M’s changed in Jon Lovitz for James Earl Jones with MPire M&Ms. It’s what is called an illiteration.

- Burger King will feature a new line of totally chokeable Star Wars figurines. I like this one because it forces 30-something Star Wars freaks to have to order Happy Meals in public.

- Pepsi is launching its new Lime flavored brown sugar water line with a game called “Call Upon Yoda.” Too bad I already got his digits when Paris Hilton’s phone book got posted on the internet.

- Pepsi appeals to people who definitely don’t want lime in their drinks by littering the Rainbow Warrior’s 24 car with Star Wars iconography.

- 7-11 slurpees are just as scary now with Darth Vader drinks that make that sound he makes where he is breathing really heavily. Use it to call girls you don’t know.

These are the ones I could come up with for now. I am sure there is a video game that will rival the canned shit that is this prequel trilogy. I would toss in some suggestions of my own like an Obi-Wan key locator that uses the “force” to search your couch cushions or a tie-in with KFC for some Jar-Jar Binks fried chicken…but this post is already too long, peace.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post ian. i am not a nerd either but I am probably going to see this movie...for research purposes of course.

6:50 PM  

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