Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Rough Draft Part II (the finale)

6/12/05 UPDATE

My goal with these 'Rough Draft' posts was essentially this: 1) Alert kids and adults, parents and children that, yes we may have a draft, and yes you might win; 2) Let those who don't care for taking orders, wearing boots and shooting people in the head that there are ways to avoid service. But getting out of service is not as easy as shooting yourself in the head at the end of the first part of a Kurbick movie, here are some suggestions:

First off, a good way to keep kids out of Iraq (and whatever nation we invade next) is to keep recruiters out of their ears. Its not fair that recruiters are allowed to set up shop unopposed in school cafeterias, and it is really not fair that under the No Child Left Behind Act schools must provide the military with the personal information of every student. Unless of course you Opt Out. Check out the Opt-Out form here.

All kids within 30 days of their 18th B-Day are supposed to register with the Selective Service. You can either do it or wipe your ass with it.

If you don't do it

You are allowed to send in your registration card until the age of 26 without incurring the permanent reprecussions. These include: Loss of federal financial aid for school, possible loss of citizenship, loss of eligibility for federal job training, and the strong possibility of never getting a government job. Here's the trick then - register when you are 26. The way the draft works is that 20-year-olds are the first to go then 21's and so on. The chance of a 26-year-old winning is pretty slim.

Under the current system, registrants are supposed to inform the Selective Service of any change of address, but reports claim that few do. This makes it almost impossible for the headhunters to track you down. If you don't register, the Service will probably send you a bunch of hate mail about how they are going to kick your pussy-ass when they find you. Don't sweat the scare tactics (five years and a $250,000 fine) - no one has been formally charged since 1986. As well, there are private (and some public) funds for college aid and job training for those who don't register. These include Quaker groups and something called FEAT.

If you decide to do it

If you send it in and get called up you have 10 days to report to Camp No Fun. Postponements to this are easy - just say you have a big test, or you have to go to Seder or that Jeopardy is on. But the best way to avoid being hassled by these guys is to prove you are a Conscientious Objector.

If this is your gameplan, get ready early. Prepare a folder of your beliefs, testimonies confirming your beliefs (a local priest, rabbi or witchdoctor maybe?)and a copy of the Conscientious Objector Affirmation. Do all this with the help of a counselor here and here. Although there is no box to check claiming your opposition to shooting Iraqis, write your stance on the bottom of the enrollment card and then make photocopies to wave in their faces when you go up for review. The review is usually 20 minutes in front of three witnesses - either be very convincing that you hate war or tell the one with the mustache that you will 'lick his taint' in exchange for a panini (if you are a guy. Girls replace the word taint with ovula).

Best of luck brave men and women who plan on running scared. And be sure to check out the NBA draft June 28th.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

are there any ways to fail a physical on purpose? is pretending you are gay really enough to get out?

9:15 AM  

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