Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Rough Draft (Part One of this Epic 2-Part Series)

Army recruiting is in a death spiral - Retired Army Lt. Col. Charles Krohn, who was forced out of the service for publicly noting the severity of the problem as an Army spokesman as told to right-wing Washington Post columnist Robert Novak.

Some people are running around saying we ought to go back to the draft ... I'll tell you, that is one of the worst ideas I can imagine. We don't need to draft people. We've got plenty of people. We sure as the dickens don't need a draft - Donald Rumsfeld in Kyrgyzstan

We will not have an all-volunteer army - Bush in a Fruedian slip

Now that this website has a readership I get this weird feeling. I am told it is called "responsibility" (pronounced ree-sponce-i-bill-i-tee)and that I have public interest obligations which I have been grossly neglecting. So as tribute to my young and heady readership - some info I hope you find useful.

Nobody wants to go to Iraq because they don't want to get shot and the pay isn't good enough and they don't want to shoot people and its summer and they'd rather be at the beach. Fair enough. But somebody has to fight until we get the robots up and running. For those who think a draft is something that is easily avoided, consider this:

College won't save you from the draft - College deferments don't exist anymore. If you are a frosh, sophomore or junior you get to finish the semester, seniors get to finish the year before Spring Break Karuk '05.

Having a vagina won't save you from the draft - To appease horny GI's the army now will draft women.

Being an only child won't save you from the draft - Worried about carrying on the family name?

Canada won't save you from the draft - Although PM Paul Martin has hinted at protecting draft dodgers, he and Bush have agreed to "smart borders" where you will be hunted down and brought to justice like that movie with Ice-T.

Being born in a different country won't save you from the draft - Ah, the benefits of being an illegal alien. If you have lived in the US for a year it's time to pay back your new country.

Being rich won't save you from the draft..OK it might - This time around, the largest proponents of reinstating the draft are actually liberals. The reason is that they see military service as an unfair system where the poor are fighting a war for the rich. Expect a new draft to close loopholes for Polo-clad princes.

Being a doctor or a med student won't save you from the draft - It will actually increase your chances - unfortunately for my med school brethren. A plan for a special medical workers draft has been in place for years and has been discussed at great length at the Selective Service Commission. If a draft were to happen Private GI D. Howser would be the first shipped off.

In Part 2 of this trilogy (minus one part), I will reveal to you some ways to avoid military service altogether. Just because there is a draft doesn't mean you have to show up. Just ask Darko.


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