Abstinence Pledges Gone Wild
At around the age of 14 boys begin to develop superpowers that enable them to impregnate females. Finding the right kryptonite to hinder this sticky exchange has become a wedge issue worth discussing/laughing at. While some people argue we should cover their squirt guns with plastic bags and feed their counterparts pills that will trick the body into thinking it's pregnant, others rally for a more Christ-like solution: abstinence (aka anal sex). The Detroit Free-Press paraphrases a recent Yale/Columbia study:
Among virgins, boys who had pledged abstinence were four times more likely to have had anal sex, according to the study.
While Dubya pledged to increase abstinence education and parents present their twelve-year-old daughters with tacky abstinence rings, a generation of shamed anal sluts are forced to keep their issues on the hush. The study concludes that:
Young adults who as teenagers take pledges to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to contract a venereal disease as people who don't make the promise.
Opponents who don't think that WWJD means anal sex argue the study's subjects are not true abstinence fans. Can you even imagine how the study went down, interviewing Catholic schoolgirls and boys and getting results akin to a left wing conspiracy:
Crusty Yale Scholar: So how are you today? I noticed you have an abstinence ring on. Yeah those two sapphires do really look like your grandmother's eyes who is watching your sexual activity from heaven. Anyway, have you ever had sex before?
Catholic School Hussy: No of course not silly. Wait anal doesn't count right, because I totally do that.
Yale: Oh, you have had anal sex before?
Hussy: Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that right? What is that quote from the book of Timothy again. "Flee also youthful lust, but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. And also anal sex is OK."
Yale: Yeah something like that [salivating]. Thanks for your time, you can send in the next skirt. Oh, but before you leave...um...you don't have any like STDs do you?
Schoolgirl: Oh, yeah, I have a mean case of herpes, why could you tell?
I would like to hear some opinions on this. I actually have friends who fit this study's profile exactly. Oh and by the way, I am transferring to Loyola.