Monday, April 04, 2005

Abstinence Pledges Gone Wild

At around the age of 14 boys begin to develop superpowers that enable them to impregnate females. Finding the right kryptonite to hinder this sticky exchange has become a wedge issue worth discussing/laughing at. While some people argue we should cover their squirt guns with plastic bags and feed their counterparts pills that will trick the body into thinking it's pregnant, others rally for a more Christ-like solution: abstinence (aka anal sex). The Detroit Free-Press paraphrases a recent Yale/Columbia study:

Among virgins, boys who had pledged abstinence were four times more likely to have had anal sex, according to the study.

While Dubya pledged to increase abstinence education and parents present their twelve-year-old daughters with tacky abstinence rings, a generation of shamed anal sluts are forced to keep their issues on the hush. The study concludes that:

Young adults who as teenagers take pledges to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to contract a venereal disease as people who don't make the promise.

Opponents who don't think that WWJD means anal sex argue the study's subjects are not true abstinence fans. Can you even imagine how the study went down, interviewing Catholic schoolgirls and boys and getting results akin to a left wing conspiracy:

Crusty Yale Scholar: So how are you today? I noticed you have an abstinence ring on. Yeah those two sapphires do really look like your grandmother's eyes who is watching your sexual activity from heaven. Anyway, have you ever had sex before?

Catholic School Hussy: No of course not silly. Wait anal doesn't count right, because I totally do that.

Yale: Oh, you have had anal sex before?

Hussy: Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that right? What is that quote from the book of Timothy again. "Flee also youthful lust, but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. And also anal sex is OK."

Yale: Yeah something like that [salivating]. Thanks for your time, you can send in the next skirt. Oh, but before you don't have any like STDs do you?

Schoolgirl: Oh, yeah, I have a mean case of herpes, why could you tell?

I would like to hear some opinions on this. I actually have friends who fit this study's profile exactly. Oh and by the way, I am transferring to Loyola.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im going to tell you what i think. I happen to be a 14 year old myself and I dont know anyone who has anal sex, I know people who should but they dont. And im going to tell you something else, to all the ladies g-d gave you a big ass for a reason so whats so bad about having a dude stick it in, its not just there to look at! Oh yeah and also dont be a fool wrap your tool

3:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank g-d that we don't have to listen to the book of timothy.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To think that a supreme being really cares about what objects go into what crevace is to reduce God to an unemployed forty year old man jerking off in a rusty pontiac by a girl's dormitory.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recall a relationship from my high school years in which my buddy dated a girl who attended a catholic (all-girls) school. Initially she pledged that she would save herself for marriage but a couple of months later she was getting railed in the bum. GOD I wish I was Catholic.

1:18 PM  
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