Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Homeschooling for Kids Who Don't Like to Spell: But to Like to Worship (Jesus of course...)

UPDATE: A funny McSweeney's article satirizing Patrick Henry College (prolly sent by Joel)

A couple months ago I wrote a post - and a couple months before that I wrote a post about how people like David Horowitz (with the help of academic studies) feel that the academy has become a liberal whorehouse. While I concluded that it may be true that colleges were more inclined to hire biology professors who descended from monkeys, I never for once considered the growing (read:horrifying) movement towards faith-based college educations.

Sent to me by my lovely and brilliant girlfriend comes an article in the New Yorker titled, "God and Country."

In it New Yorkerer Hanna Rosin profiles the Patrick Henry College in Purcellville, VA. To describe the school metaphorically would be to paint the image of an insane Rube Goldberg contraption manipulated, dirtied and inevitably transformed into an evil-student making factory. Let me further the image.

Start off with families in rural parts of the country where news arrives a little late and progress is a thing of the past. Put the families through the church compactor and out the other end comes children with eerily similar features and bibles strapped to their backs and "10 Real SAT's" written under their eyelids. The kiddies are then baked in a homeschooling oven until they are 18 where Christ is their professor and Joshua is the TA. When the process is complete, the socially-starved homeschoolees are transferred to the Patrick Henry College to continue their reliducation and vocational training in politics and policy. Four years and 2,000 guilty thoughts later the young men and women are siphoned off into conservative think-tanks and Rick Santorum's office - completing the process from baby to neo-con.

The Patrick Henry College - aka Harvard for Homeschoolers - has provided the current White House and other conservative bastions with hordes of wide-eyed interns. The philosophy of the institution is entirely pragmatic. Students are told to dress "business casual" as to simulate the Capitol Hill workplace. Walls of dorm rooms have replaced Salvador Dali prints with Dick Cheney mugshots; and as Rosin puts it: "At Patrick Henry, debate plays roughly the role that football does at Notre Dame."

Aside from the strange "courting practices" male and female students engage in and the no drugs no alchohol no Hollywood no Elimidate no fun policy, Patrick Henry should be viewed as a growing trend in closing the minds of a generation. Parents who feel that every stimuli their child encounters can be controlled send their kids off to places like Patrick Henry. And now that about 1.5 million kids are homeschooled (about 2/3 Evangelical), Patrick Henry look-a-likes are bound to develop to handle this growing trend in education. It is times like this that I admire my alma-mater Tulane with its new nickname "The anti-Patrick Henry."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

A Tribute to the Gentlemen of White Hip-Hop (Part II)

UPDATE: it's quasi-official that Andy Milonakis is indeed a 29-years-old failed accountant/comedian a la an interview in Radar Magazine.

Yeah, you got beef? Yeah, you got beef? I fuck your mother in her dumb teeth. Cause her teeth has a pussy. But I like when her teethy pussy is on me. It’s on my dick and it feels real slick. But yo - it kinda scrapes me. Yo, I’m depressed, I kinda hate me. I hate me more than you do, Dad. Are you glad that I moved out? Are you glad that I shout?When you touch me on my no-no spot, you fuckin’ blood clot, I hope you fuckin’ rot in hell.

I can't take credit for the hotness above - as much as I would like to. The lyrical prose listed in the previous paragraph could most certainly only have come from one of Andy Milonakis' cult freestyles (see the video here). Just like so many pieces of worthless media that infect the internet, reaffirming the freakshow status of the actor and the consumer (for getting satisfaction), Andy's impromptu antics have made him a self-proclaimed "Internet Hero." While Andy wraps his wits around such cheery topics as pedophilia, incest and beastiality - we sit back and crack-up about how fat the actor is, how bad his skills are and how twisted his personal life must be to create such an odd product (peep the lyrics to Andy's freestyles here).

But Andy may not be such a boy. I have heard from at least half of Andy's most devoted fans that he is in actuality a 28-year-old manchild posing as a 14-year-old fat kid. Either way, his grace and dignity and song "The Super Bowl is Gay," caught the attention of Jimmy Kimmel and Jackhole Industries who successfully pitched the fatass to MTV. I was lucky (read:drunk) enough to catch an extended clip of the Andy Milonakis Show at four in the morning the other night and it seemed like a more obnoxious version of Tom Green. Milonakis romps through the LES of Manhattan confusing elderly residents. The wunderkind caused enough havoc as to draw attention from the NY Post (who will never get a plug again) here. I must say that I am excited by the show and expect that its viral success on the internet will be translated into late-night MTV stoner success a-la Sifl and Olly.

Get to know Andy a little more intimately here in a brief interview with the reclusive genius. I leave with a passage from one of his most oft-quoted works:

Orange Juice raped my father
so that must make him gay
Because as you know
Orange Juice is a male


Sunday, June 12, 2005

A Tribute to the Gentlemen of White Hip-Hop (Part I)

RA the Rugged Man (website)

OK...the dude in the picture who looks like a rabbi after a four-day crystal meth retreat may be the greatest white rapper...ever (no disrespect Kain). The reason why you may have never heard of him: he is the single craziest motherfucker in hip-hop right now, hands down (RIP ODB).

Here's a possible explanation. RA's father was a Vietnam Vet. While overseas he drank way too much Agent Orange and is now completely messed up. When he got back from vacation in Saigon, he had three kids. One is a blind girl, one is a crippled boy and the other is RA. RA's disability is that he is insane - an ailment that benefits his music but keeps him from getting a deal.

Proof of RA's crazy skills on the mic are evidenced by the strange attention he gets from the industry. When he was 18 people knew he was the truth. Russell Simmons won't speak to RA to this day because he wouldn't sign to DefJam. Before Neptunes were getting girls naked, they were sweating RA to be their first major artist. Biggie knew RA was the shit but couldn't believe that the dude's mouth was so foul. The two friends made one cut together - I used to rock this wax on my Fisher-Price back in the day - its titled "Cunt Renaissance." For RA's complete history peep his video "Lessons."

In '93 Jive Records thought they could handle RA. They were wrong. He would just show up, collect 10g for a record, spend it, and show up two months later to do it again. But at Jive things got criminal. By the time he left, four female Jive employees had filed sexual harrassment charges against the MC. Jive's up-and-cummer wasn't even allowed in the building. Word is he used to roam the hallways with his dick out and swing it at unsuspecting interns. Oh yeah, he also took a shit on one A&R's desk and took a dump in another's filing cabinet. RA recounts being the Quasimoto of Jive when they used to keep star-artist Aaliyah and him in seperate rooms from fear he would touch her: "They say he's a beast, he's a creature/ Keep him in the other room, don't let him see Aaliyah."

The last straw for RA at Jive came during a Jive showcase in NYC. Flex was DJing, Tribe was hosting, and RA was the feature. Out walks RA with a legion of prostitutes. They are tied up and whipped S&M style for a few minutes before RA urinates on them and the crowd in a fit a maniacal laughter. A 500 person riot breaks out and a Jive executive frowns.

Jive gave him the boot and for ten years RA wandered the streets, slept on stoops and tricked prostitutes into sleeping on stoops with him. Byron Crawford (formerly of Rawkus) notes an incident with the Rugged One here. After the Jive show, RA couldn't even tour in the US for five years, but I heard he was also banned in Germany. From RA's mouth: while in Germany he had larangitis and didn't want to rap. The easiest way to not rap and still get paid was to do one song and then start a fight with an audience member. RA's last show in Munich had him hurling a trash can at an unsuspecting kind.

But now RA is back with a new album and a possible movie called "Landlord Stretcher." Check out the film if you would. Notice the clip from the RA show where dude leaves the stage for the crowd and people are legitimately scared, creating a huge ring around the deranged artist.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Rough Draft Part II (the finale)

6/12/05 UPDATE

My goal with these 'Rough Draft' posts was essentially this: 1) Alert kids and adults, parents and children that, yes we may have a draft, and yes you might win; 2) Let those who don't care for taking orders, wearing boots and shooting people in the head that there are ways to avoid service. But getting out of service is not as easy as shooting yourself in the head at the end of the first part of a Kurbick movie, here are some suggestions:

First off, a good way to keep kids out of Iraq (and whatever nation we invade next) is to keep recruiters out of their ears. Its not fair that recruiters are allowed to set up shop unopposed in school cafeterias, and it is really not fair that under the No Child Left Behind Act schools must provide the military with the personal information of every student. Unless of course you Opt Out. Check out the Opt-Out form here.

All kids within 30 days of their 18th B-Day are supposed to register with the Selective Service. You can either do it or wipe your ass with it.

If you don't do it

You are allowed to send in your registration card until the age of 26 without incurring the permanent reprecussions. These include: Loss of federal financial aid for school, possible loss of citizenship, loss of eligibility for federal job training, and the strong possibility of never getting a government job. Here's the trick then - register when you are 26. The way the draft works is that 20-year-olds are the first to go then 21's and so on. The chance of a 26-year-old winning is pretty slim.

Under the current system, registrants are supposed to inform the Selective Service of any change of address, but reports claim that few do. This makes it almost impossible for the headhunters to track you down. If you don't register, the Service will probably send you a bunch of hate mail about how they are going to kick your pussy-ass when they find you. Don't sweat the scare tactics (five years and a $250,000 fine) - no one has been formally charged since 1986. As well, there are private (and some public) funds for college aid and job training for those who don't register. These include Quaker groups and something called FEAT.

If you decide to do it

If you send it in and get called up you have 10 days to report to Camp No Fun. Postponements to this are easy - just say you have a big test, or you have to go to Seder or that Jeopardy is on. But the best way to avoid being hassled by these guys is to prove you are a Conscientious Objector.

If this is your gameplan, get ready early. Prepare a folder of your beliefs, testimonies confirming your beliefs (a local priest, rabbi or witchdoctor maybe?)and a copy of the Conscientious Objector Affirmation. Do all this with the help of a counselor here and here. Although there is no box to check claiming your opposition to shooting Iraqis, write your stance on the bottom of the enrollment card and then make photocopies to wave in their faces when you go up for review. The review is usually 20 minutes in front of three witnesses - either be very convincing that you hate war or tell the one with the mustache that you will 'lick his taint' in exchange for a panini (if you are a guy. Girls replace the word taint with ovula).

Best of luck brave men and women who plan on running scared. And be sure to check out the NBA draft June 28th.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Rough Draft (Part One of this Epic 2-Part Series)

Army recruiting is in a death spiral - Retired Army Lt. Col. Charles Krohn, who was forced out of the service for publicly noting the severity of the problem as an Army spokesman as told to right-wing Washington Post columnist Robert Novak.

Some people are running around saying we ought to go back to the draft ... I'll tell you, that is one of the worst ideas I can imagine. We don't need to draft people. We've got plenty of people. We sure as the dickens don't need a draft - Donald Rumsfeld in Kyrgyzstan

We will not have an all-volunteer army - Bush in a Fruedian slip

Now that this website has a readership I get this weird feeling. I am told it is called "responsibility" (pronounced ree-sponce-i-bill-i-tee)and that I have public interest obligations which I have been grossly neglecting. So as tribute to my young and heady readership - some info I hope you find useful.

Nobody wants to go to Iraq because they don't want to get shot and the pay isn't good enough and they don't want to shoot people and its summer and they'd rather be at the beach. Fair enough. But somebody has to fight until we get the robots up and running. For those who think a draft is something that is easily avoided, consider this:

College won't save you from the draft - College deferments don't exist anymore. If you are a frosh, sophomore or junior you get to finish the semester, seniors get to finish the year before Spring Break Karuk '05.

Having a vagina won't save you from the draft - To appease horny GI's the army now will draft women.

Being an only child won't save you from the draft - Worried about carrying on the family name?

Canada won't save you from the draft - Although PM Paul Martin has hinted at protecting draft dodgers, he and Bush have agreed to "smart borders" where you will be hunted down and brought to justice like that movie with Ice-T.

Being born in a different country won't save you from the draft - Ah, the benefits of being an illegal alien. If you have lived in the US for a year it's time to pay back your new country.

Being rich won't save you from the draft..OK it might - This time around, the largest proponents of reinstating the draft are actually liberals. The reason is that they see military service as an unfair system where the poor are fighting a war for the rich. Expect a new draft to close loopholes for Polo-clad princes.

Being a doctor or a med student won't save you from the draft - It will actually increase your chances - unfortunately for my med school brethren. A plan for a special medical workers draft has been in place for years and has been discussed at great length at the Selective Service Commission. If a draft were to happen Private GI D. Howser would be the first shipped off.

In Part 2 of this trilogy (minus one part), I will reveal to you some ways to avoid military service altogether. Just because there is a draft doesn't mean you have to show up. Just ask Darko.
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